dryadgrl: (Default)
I've been working a lot with anger and sex this last few months. And this is one of the things that I've opened to. I was given a challenge to have a regular anger practice and so I did. And this weekend instead of my nearly monthly (PMS) nightmare night I had a rage dream - fear and terror. I woke in the middle of the night crying and my beloved held me. In the morning I got up early and wrote and wrote about it. Eventually I emptied out as much as I could but still felt brittle and rigid.

So I climbed back into bed as my beloved was waking and asked him to take me. I told him that I needed penetration. And he got between my legs and.. he has this incredible intuition. He knows exactly how to touch me, where, how much to open me completely to him. He's the only lover I've ever had who can make me squirt through penetratin and he did - over and over while he went deeper and deeper, opening me, soften my heart and my pussy. Because of his penetration I was able to open completely to divinity and take his sex and light into every part of me all the way out to my fingertips and through the top of my head.

Once we were complete, my whole body softened, the anger was gone, transformed into openness and so many tears. We spent most of the rest of the day in bed. First just us and then joined in snuggles with another, which allowed me to just stay in that soft, open, gentle place.
dryadgrl: (Default)
I have been struggling with a set of interactions with someone who is off again on again creepy. I've had problems with him, he hits on every woman he meets and it makes a lot of women really uncomfortable. I have been sexual with him and the first time it was nearly rape - I did not consent and I was so stunned as it was happening that I did not know what to do. When it was over I didn't talk to him for years.

In January I started spending time in the friend group with mutual friends and we ended up being sexual again which was more consenting. But it was always at his whim, on his timing, often last minute and usually late at night. I didn't feel very good about it so I stopped reaching out. Part of why I stopped is because it's all always about him. Always. He breaks dates, he only responds when it suits him and often not for long periods of time even though we'd see each other socially nearly every week. He often said he's make it up to me. The last time I saw him we'd had a date to talk after the social function (primarily so that I could say the things I needed to say to him about feeling under valued).

He skipped it and didn't bother to tell me. I was pretty pissed. Like I said it wasn't the first time. I had already told him both that we needed to talk and that I was unhappy about how things were.

I have spoken up about it before and people have said things like, "Well he's not a bad guy." and "He means well." I think that's crap, but it took me a while to get there.

In fact I had to read this before I really put it into context. That description with the steps is what happens.

But the last time I saw him when he bailed on me to take someone else home was a month ago. I emailed him to express my frustration and he responded by phone 3 weeks later. I didn't take the call and I didn't listen to the message. I went out of town a few hours after that and decided to deal with it when I came back.

When I came back, I sent him an email letting him know I saw his call and that I was not available to be in touch with him just now. He responded with a request to clear with me. I said I wasn't available. He insisted. I said that I was allowed to say that I couldn't hear him right now and asked him to stop insisting and that what he was doing was bullying.

He (now in retrospect I say 'of course') escalated and said he's not bullying and that I should schedule that bullying was irrelevant, he was making a request. That was 4 emails from him in 2 days. Each one escalating in tone.

At that stage I asked others for intervention. Because in my opinion that last email was not a request and he was clearly not taking 'no' for an answer. And I was pissed. Given that he has pushed me sexually and has pushed at least several other women I know, I felt really strongly that someone needs to stand up to him and say no and get that message across. He cannot be allowed to walk on everyone's boundaries.

So I found support and emailed some venting and asked her to ask him to stop. She also asked me if I could set a date to clear with him, but would take no for an answer. It felt really bad that she was asking that and so I said no.

After the third round of email with him I was considering scheduling until her just kept pushing even though I didn't respond. And that pushed me over the edge. Honestly I was too angry to say it, but I really was trying to do the right thing and thought in a week or two I'd be willing to clear with him. But the more he pushed the less I wanted to be in contact with him. And because he pushes and gets what he wants all the time, it was clear to me he wasn't going to stop.

And at some point the buck has got to stop somewhere. I'm pretty sure he's raped women or at least has non-consentual sex with some frequency. And I don't think he gets it. Actually I'm pretty sure he doesn't get it. I have watched him dismiss women who won't open their legs to him or don't want to be exposed to his crap as not sex positive or not really x,y,z and often he says that they are just really dramatic and should get over themselves.

He hits on every single woman that comes into the social circle and doesn't read the social cues about unwanted attention. And that's just not ok. People often do very careful things to not have him around at parties and events.

Anyway, I'm angry and I'm sure that this will work out somehow. Even if somehow is finding a new group of folks to hang out with. There are lots of people in the world.
dryadgrl: (Default)
A lover of mine disappeared about 5 weeks ago and showed up today. I noticed that not only was I a bit angry (he failed to show up for a date, no call, no email, no text) and I heard nothing all this time.

When I saw the text today I was not just angry, but I wanted to punish him. I wanted to make him feel bad for making me feel bad.

What it made me realize is that I put the locus of my emotions outside of myself still sometimes. And that's not what I want to be doing.

What I want to do is to be responsible for my emotions and reactions. And I often am. I don't know if it's just that the story that other people make can make me angry is such a popular story or something else. I just want to bookmark this and open up conversation to see if others have had this reactions and if you have any insight?


dryadgrl: (Default)

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