My Reality

Money.
There is nothing criminal about being poor.
There's nothing wrong with being poor or not having money. There's nothing wrong with worrying about money.
There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
There's nothing wrong with you if you have to choose between food and paying something else.
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The issue here is not you, it's not folks living in poverty or struggling with money no matter how much you have or don't have.
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The issue is the stories we tell ourselves and each other about being poor.
The issue is that we're not allowed to talk about money in a way that is deep enough, connected enough that lets us into the world of people at all socio-economic levels.
The issue is that the media tells us that we should live in houses that look a certain way.
The issue is that being poor is criminalized at all levels of government AND the banking system.
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Everything in our world tells us that there's something wrong with you if you have a certain amount of money.
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ALSO
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On the left, in our radical, helping, healing issues we're told that being wealthy and having money is straight up evil. That wealthy people are evil and doing bad things. They don't get us and the money corrupts us. There is literally no good way to have resources and be considered a good person.
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That's not ok.
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And so many of us have never had substantial assets, resources or support and so we take it as true.
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Many of us have had or lost resources and we feel guilty or ashamed or overwhelmed by them - whether we have them or not.
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The path that I keep finding over and over again for that last 10+ years is that all of this is bullshit.
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Total and complete bullshit.
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The only truth that I can find here is that we can to find our own way. That those of us who've stepped out of the path that was not carved for us have to find our own way. Define our own success, our own terms.
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To unfold and open our own path. Sometimes chopping away, but more often choosing in the quiet moments to make the choices that are only ours to make.
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We cannot rely on the systems or the media or even our parents to tell us our path. There is no ONE TRUE PATH to financial wellness. Each path is our own.
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My first noble quality is freedom. And when pressed or threatened I respond with moving against the pressure to to make my own reality.
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It's not the easiest path.
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I'm not the easiest person in that way. I'm not a go-along person. I have been a "do it all" person. And that's shifted into a "do what is mine to do" person. And this is mine to do.
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What if the thing that I have been heading towards is not teaching you how it is and the *right* way, but being a space for you to find your place in the world? For us as community to find a place to have the deep conversations that need having.
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What if what I'm here for is to just be me and hold my space so that in the presence of freedom you can be... who you really are?
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With the money stuff I don't have the answers - well I have some of the answers. Technical, logistical, and my answers. But what I have is questions to ask and consider on the path to what you're looking for here. It is a thing I can be relied on for.
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I can be relied on to not believe the system when it tells you poverty is bad.
I can be relied on to not believe the media and question their assumptions.
I can be relied to notice and ask about whether this is something you want or something your parents/caregivers want.
I can be relied on to be curious about where you are and where I am.
I can be relied on to help you look at the things that hurt and not look away.
I can be relied on to offer ideas and solutions in places that I'm familiar.
I can be relied on to offer partnership when it's available in our space.
I can be relied on to continuously come back to my space and my power and not let you knock me over or harm me.
I can be relied on to love you - And still have boundaries.
I can be relied on to be joy even when it's hard, and to find the places of humor even when things are serious.
I can be relied on to honor you. All of you. And all of me.
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I believe that if we are not allowed to inhabit all of the places on the spectrum including the ones that are hard, we will never ever leave our current spot. We can't. We just don't have access to the power and the freedom to do so.
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Freedom (including autonomy), and power (the ability to act) go together. If you don't feel free, you won't act.
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Where do you feel free/open/connected? Or want to feel that freedom?
Yes, i'll send you an invitation to join the community if you ask.

I haven't been doing my money practices and having space this weekend I'm getting back to them and that feels good. My friends are inspired by my work and I am inspired by them. But my inspiration isn't quite moving me to action. It's moving me to self care, but I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of my work.

I have taken on a lot recently in some ways both in terms of my work and my healing and self care. I started seeing western docs and they want me to do various things. I am having a cervical biopsy on Tuesday. I haven't been talking about it because I don't know what to do and there's not much info yet. But it is a result of stepping into my commitment to be completely well.

I have to have a root canal and potentially 2 crowns (but at least one). All told the dental stuff is about $3k. Most of it is just ... I have no idea where that would come from. So I have to take steps based on faith in many ways. And that's hard.

I am starting to recognize that taking steps based on faith is not just hard for me, it is a major challenge in having faith or feeling connected to divinity for all the people I have ever to talked about faith. So I finally feel like I'm in good company. I feel some relief in not being entirely alone.

In the space that I've been having because of the holidays, I am really seeing how space serves me and I'm excitedly anticipating more retreat time after the winter holiday. I really got today that my financial practice is part of my spiritual practice. That money is part of life, not separate from it. My relationship with money is sacred, as is my relationship with the earth. And the more I am in respect and reverence, the more I am with myself and my feelings, the more I can open to surrendering to the moment and to divinity. Being in this moment and only in this moment is ecstasy.

I teach about money because it's been a long and painful path and I've learned a lot; I teach about money because it's been an ecstatic path that has lead to me recognize that embracing the fullness of money is embracing the fullness of life. Any place that I feel separate is a place to look for healing. Not to force or change or shame, but to bring to awareness so that in the holding of that place, it opens and relaxes and shows me the lesson and the paths to integration and fullness.

It's when I push parts of myself away or shun them that I feel brittle, as though I might break. When I open to awareness I have increased capacity for surrender and being present. Being present leads me to feeling loved and from that place so many things completely fall away.