dryadgrl: (love)
I went to see "Sweet Honey in the Rock" last night at the paramount with some friends. They always make me have a spiritual experience, sometimes even just listening to them on YouTube.

I found myself up in the middle of the night dealing with detox symptoms from the pain medication I've been on due to the root canal that went awry and then fixed on Friday. I this minor realization that I feel like I never get enough play and so resist doing work.

Well at least I often resist doing work I don't want to do like housework or sometimes bookkeeping, stuff like that. I had a ex who taught me about giving myself space until I was ready to work. I've used that theory for a long time and tried to prioritize self care over everything. In some ways it has worked miraculously well. I started doing a lot more self care and when I feel bad I head towards self care.

But after starting thyroid meds I have more energy and I am doing more things. I feel some days like I'm doing a lot more things. But it hasn't been feeling like enough. At the concert in my crying inspiration I came back to why I got into doing work around money - that money often is a substitute for enough. And I am enough just as I am.

On the heels of that things turned over and I had this realization that I"m starting to dive into: that I never really had a childhood and therefore I never feel like there's been enough play and I'm ready to settle down and work.

I think some of that is true. Certainly the beginning of that is true. My childhood was difficult and scary in a bunch of non-standard ways.

But I also sometimes feel so paralyzed by spending money or not spending money or time on "frivilous" things that I don't go out and spend the time and money that I need to to really play most of the time. It's kinda dumb. And has been happening a lot more since the thyroid meds. I mean I set aside the time, but I'm constantly afraid that the time should be going to something "useful." And so instead of going out for that walk or organizing meal planning, I'm on the computer answering emails and setting up social media. I mean I need more work and I need to clean the house and I need to clean the car and I'm behind on curriculum and on this and that and the other thing.... But I need the recreational time to recuperate and have the focus to do the hard things. Otherwise that social media time turns into cruising FaceBook and reposting cute kitten photos that really no one cares about - not even me.

And then I read my freewill astrology horoscope today:

"One of my spiritual teachers once told me that a good spiritual teacher makes an effort not to seem too perfect. She said some teachers even cultivate odd quirks and harmless failings on purpose. Why? To get the best learning experience, students must be discouraged from over-idealizing the wise advisors they look up to. It's crucial they understand that achieving utter purity is impossible and unrealistic. Being perceived as an infallible expert is dangerous for teachers, too; it makes them prone to egotistical grandiosity. I bring this up, Virgo, because it's an excellent time to reduce the likelihood that you'll be seduced by the illusion of perfection.

"Assume that your drive to experience pleasure isn't a barrier to your spiritual growth, but is in fact essential to it. Proceed on the hypothesis that cultivating joy can make you a more ethical and compassionate person. Imagine that feeling good has something important to teach you every day."

Ok fine. I will seek joy again. I do like joy and all. But I'm warning you, I still need to do the dishes! Uh, someday.

Joy list

Sep. 24th, 2012 09:15 pm
dryadgrl: (Default)
Brenee Brown was talking about how her life change when she changed from having a want list to a joy list by answering the question, "What am I dong when I'm really joyful?"

So I'm buying in (so to speak).

I feel most joyful when I get to balance spending time with people I love and enjoy with time alone.
I feel joyful getting plenty of time outside in nature.
I feel joyful when I work enough to pay the bills but not much more.
I feel most joyful when I dance!
I feel joyful when my son is happy!
I feel joyful kissing my love and having amazing sex
I feel joyful when I get enough sleep consistent.
I feel joyful when I'm making cordials, honest, syrups and herbal medicines.
I fee most joyful when the house is clean and when I've just gotten rid of more things.
I feel joyful when I have less choices. Enough to be engaged, but not so many as to be overwhelmed.
I feel joyful when I right a new piece of curriculum or formalize something I'm already doing.
I feel good listening to and being heard by my friends.
I feel good when I eat food that I've made myself.
I feel really joyful when I get to cook and eat with friends.
dryadgrl: (Default)
Two recent FB posts start to sum up some of the recent changes:
My hunger used to only have two settings: not hungry and starving. With the recent shifts in medication I now have settings like "a little bit hungry," "a little bit full," and this weird brand new setting called "I think I'm going to be hungry in about half an hour." Until this week I thought when people said that they were making it up! Wow!


My brain just did a funny thing. I was standing in front of cake that Tia's dad made and just behind it is the fruit bowl. My belly said, "... mmmm.... apple pear...." a la Homer Simpson. Then my brain said, "Wait. What!?" But it was too late, I had already crunched into the apple-pear. Too bad cake, you lose this round!

Additionally I touched the cake and thought maybe I'd have a bite as well, but my stomach got a bit sick and I knew that the cake would make me feel bad. Just like that.

It seems like my sensitivity is returning and coming to the surface in useful ways.
My body is signaling me in useful and surprising ways.

I keep thinking that other people might have this experience regularly and wonder just how far off my body has been.

I also managed to go home from an event last night before the end of it. Just say my goodbyes and leave because I was tired and not influenced by other people, even amazing other people. It's like I'm actually home in my body for the first time.

I took Kiddo to park day yesterday and he had a great time and finally connected into the teen group and got a couple of phone numbers. It occurs to me this morning that maybe his development was contingent upon mine. Now that I'm growing and changing rapidly again, so can he. And he can do so without worrying about me because I'm all set.

This morning I was also digging my single life. I mean I have a great boyfriend, but he's far away and i have a couple of other connections, but no one else is living here and I'm not beholden to or dependent on anyone else. I can sleep sprawled out in bed and take up all the space. I don't have to listen to anyone else snore and can go to bed and get up when I want! It's pretty great actually.

And earlier this week I got in touch with some loneliness as well which was kind of awesome. I've not really felt lonely in a long time. I've been crying pretty much every day. Not big sobbing crying, just little bits here and there as things touch me.

I'll end with one last FB update from earlier this week:
Yesterday on my way to Marin I found myself singing love songs to myself and soaking up the love. Today I really enjoyed making a kale omlette with leeks and onions and garlic inspired by Ian Waisler. I feel happy, content even. Something has definitely changed!


dryadgrl: (Default)

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