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Pleasure project: This morning I've been really looking at how my health is. This weekend I had a powerful conversation where I was asked, "Who would you be without your illness?"

And I was struck by the fact that I've been struggling with chronic illness since my pregnancy 19 years ago. I've worked hard to be more and more well. Really fucking hard! This weekend I had the beginnings of a migraine for the first time in like 5 years.

It was a big wake up call. Both in that I've been not having migraines and in that - holy fuck I could get migraines again!

So the answer to the question is: I'd have to be a lot better with my boundaries. Like, a way lot.

And uh, that's hard shit.

This morning I had to tell some folks that I can't do a thing, or come to a thing, or say yes to a thing. And that I might need more support. And I said to Jacques that I was afraid that he'd leave me if I asked for yet more support. Which I immediately recognized as being code for: I don't feel worth the support I need to be well. Fortunately I managed to say that with my out loud voice.

It feels like so much. I'd have to admit that I'm still quite sick. I'd have to ask for more help, I'd have to say no a lot more and a lot more clearly. I'd have to tell people I'm sick. I'd have to sleep more, and take less meetings, and make my business more sustainable. It sounds fucking exhausting and super vulnerable. And damn it, it's the work!

And his response, which felt like it echoed throughout the multiverse is: I love you! You are totally worth it!

So now I'm sitting here crying. Weeping for the possibility that I am actually worth the love and support, good food, boundaries, rest, love, sleep, attention, sex, touch. connection, eye gazing, money, time resources and love. Crap.

And if I'm worth it, you're worth it - worth the love and pleasure and boundaries and whatever it takes to have your version of being well. It's such a vulnerable place. And I pray that you'll be in it with me.

So I want to say the thing to you that I needed to hear which is: I love you too! You are totally worth it!
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I've been looking for a hat for park days for, well since we started homeschooling nearly 2 years ago. Yesterday I think I found one.

It's straw, very small blue and white stripes and a bit floppy. It's lovely and makes me want to go to a garden party.

Since getting rid of so much stuff, I've been finding that the things that I do want to buy are the right things, one at a time.

This might sounds weird, but it feels like it's part of the healing process. I did not buy the other hat which was pretty and but I didn't know what I'd wear it with. It was wool (which I'd vastly prefer in many ways) and looks very 1940's and had a brim that turned up on one side and a flower on the other. So. Cute. But when will I wear it?

It used to be that I'd buy things that i liked or take home things I liked whether they'd work in my life or not. But that seems to have slowed if not stopped all together. I don't know if that's discernment or just again the ability to hold things and ideas and have my own limits and boundaries.

But I like my hat.
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Tonight we went to Cafe Gratitude in Berekely with a friend and played the abounding river game. Kiddo went too because he was invited directly and he loves games. It took him awhile to step into playing, it's a very vulnerable and intense game some times.

But he did it. And he really liked it and is now on the phone with his friends inviting them to play the game with him.

It's amazing to me that even at 14 he is seeing the value in connection, honesty and authenticity. I don't know that he'd use those words, but he really enjoys connecting with people and is really craving it.

I get uncomfortable watching him snuggle up to my friends, I've not yet learned to handle my concerns about his sexuality and whether he's eroticizing my friends and how to help him hold his boundaries, what my boundaries and so on. I'm not sure what's ok to talk about in front of him in some areas of life. And given that he is only 14 but looks 19 it's all a bit of a mess.

Like people sharing about their dating lives or drug histories in some of these stories. Nothing super detailed, just acknowledgements of past decisions which were funny/difficult/insightful. I find myself holding my breath and hoping that the honesty, respect and reverence with which people talk to each other really comes across to him.

Now more than ever I wish he had more men in his life. He needs some of these conversations that I'm just the wrong person to have them with. I can, but I can't give him some of there perspective he really needs.


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