dryadgrl: (love)
I went to see "Sweet Honey in the Rock" last night at the paramount with some friends. They always make me have a spiritual experience, sometimes even just listening to them on YouTube.

I found myself up in the middle of the night dealing with detox symptoms from the pain medication I've been on due to the root canal that went awry and then fixed on Friday. I this minor realization that I feel like I never get enough play and so resist doing work.

Well at least I often resist doing work I don't want to do like housework or sometimes bookkeeping, stuff like that. I had a ex who taught me about giving myself space until I was ready to work. I've used that theory for a long time and tried to prioritize self care over everything. In some ways it has worked miraculously well. I started doing a lot more self care and when I feel bad I head towards self care.

But after starting thyroid meds I have more energy and I am doing more things. I feel some days like I'm doing a lot more things. But it hasn't been feeling like enough. At the concert in my crying inspiration I came back to why I got into doing work around money - that money often is a substitute for enough. And I am enough just as I am.

On the heels of that things turned over and I had this realization that I"m starting to dive into: that I never really had a childhood and therefore I never feel like there's been enough play and I'm ready to settle down and work.

I think some of that is true. Certainly the beginning of that is true. My childhood was difficult and scary in a bunch of non-standard ways.

But I also sometimes feel so paralyzed by spending money or not spending money or time on "frivilous" things that I don't go out and spend the time and money that I need to to really play most of the time. It's kinda dumb. And has been happening a lot more since the thyroid meds. I mean I set aside the time, but I'm constantly afraid that the time should be going to something "useful." And so instead of going out for that walk or organizing meal planning, I'm on the computer answering emails and setting up social media. I mean I need more work and I need to clean the house and I need to clean the car and I'm behind on curriculum and on this and that and the other thing.... But I need the recreational time to recuperate and have the focus to do the hard things. Otherwise that social media time turns into cruising FaceBook and reposting cute kitten photos that really no one cares about - not even me.

And then I read my freewill astrology horoscope today:

"One of my spiritual teachers once told me that a good spiritual teacher makes an effort not to seem too perfect. She said some teachers even cultivate odd quirks and harmless failings on purpose. Why? To get the best learning experience, students must be discouraged from over-idealizing the wise advisors they look up to. It's crucial they understand that achieving utter purity is impossible and unrealistic. Being perceived as an infallible expert is dangerous for teachers, too; it makes them prone to egotistical grandiosity. I bring this up, Virgo, because it's an excellent time to reduce the likelihood that you'll be seduced by the illusion of perfection.

"Assume that your drive to experience pleasure isn't a barrier to your spiritual growth, but is in fact essential to it. Proceed on the hypothesis that cultivating joy can make you a more ethical and compassionate person. Imagine that feeling good has something important to teach you every day."

Ok fine. I will seek joy again. I do like joy and all. But I'm warning you, I still need to do the dishes! Uh, someday.
dryadgrl: (Default)
Today we've cleared off the table that hasn't been totally clear in over a year. So now we can eat food there again! It's been a clearing house for mail and projects (like painting and such).

Kitchen and bathroom are spotless.

I'm going to go get a new belt for the vacuum cleaner today. We're getting rod of more things and finding more things to sell. I have tons of clothes to get rid of of mine, of Kiddos and shoes and stuff like mice and so on.

I found the back up drive I lost a few weeks ago and now I'm backing up on it now. So I'll have two working back ups, which is what the back up folks recommend. That's really exciting actually.

Tomorrow we'll work on the desk and probably start on the filling cabinets. Cleaning is a lot of damn work, which it's really hard for me to get to.

I also think I'm struggling with depression or something. I wake up ready to go, but just a little while in to my day I feel totally overwhelmed and completely unmotivated. :(

Going to the outside place now.
dryadgrl: (Default)
Kiddo loved hanging with the dog, once the dog stopped being depressed. Today especially they have been bouncing around and Brandy has been climbing all over Kiddo and I. It's pretty great. Especially since Friday night she wouldn't have anything to do with us.

I have managed to take supplements, but I'm not quite back up to full doses. Traveling is always hard on that for me. So I'm going to make an effort take take my evening dose when I'm done here and to sleep extra well and late tomorrow morning.

I've been off my second iron supp because I left in at home. So we'll see how it feels to take that tomorrow. I am pretty low energy. I don't know if that's because it's hell hot here or if it's the iron.

Some will be happy to hear that Kiddo has decided he's obsessed with cello music. It's been coming on for a while, but we sat and went through lots of it this weekend and we have some resources to explore when we get home. I didn't realize just how much I know about music. There is a lot of basic music things in my head that I learned growing up and taking lessons that I started passing on to him as well as movies, artists, styles and so on. I feel competent to start/deepen his music education to a point. It's very re-assuring. I'll take it!

We also re-designed our apartment while we were here and made decisions about more things to get rid of and how to move piece of furniture around in our small space to be more of what we want. I've been getting rid of ton of stuff, but Kiddo hasn't very much. A lot of that is because I haven't sat with him for very long to make it go and he starts but won't progress unless I'm on top of him/working with him. But it sounds like he wants to and that's exciting for both of us. He wants the space to be nicer and is becoming more available for that as I do more of it myself. Yay!

Ok, tired now. Maybe I'll nap while waiting for Puppy-Daddy.
dryadgrl: (Default)
Cleaned out a whole shelf under the sink. I think that at some point in the past people used to put contact paper on shelves - is that still done? Under my bathroom sink there's a shelf that has been damaged and is a little warped. I like to cover it without doing any additional damage - is that a good idea? And where would one get such a thing?

Also did 2 loads of laundry. Usually we wait until there's like 4 or so, but I want to keep on top of it.

Washed the altar cloth, but it still needs to dry.

Moved the shoe bin/sideboard across the room and took down the hanging things so that could happen. I decided that I want to clean out my bedroom closet to make more room for clothes and the suitcases so that the laundry can be out of the living room space and in my bedroom. That's a project.

This weekend I'm intending on renting a storage unit so that I can get some of this shit out of my house and then evaluate if I really want it or not.

So still doing cleaning and now starting to do real planning because I have real energy to get shit done.

And thus continues the Great Purge of 2010.
dryadgrl: (Default)
Today I ...
cleaned out the bottom half of the fridge including throwing all old food out, washing the drawers, shelves and surfaces.

I got a new paid subscription to LJ so that I could make my journal friends only.

I made chicken, rice and bean soup with greens and put some of it into the freezer (all organic, but that's usual, months ago I stopped buying meat and groceries in general that are not organic. Kiddo and I are worth it. It was a process of starting with one thing and doing more and more as I felt financially available for it.)

I ordered the 303 protectant for my car.

I just set up another piece of my new Mac.

All the dishes are done, the dishwasher is cleaned out and started to fill again.

I cleaned out some of the freezer - getting rid of old frozen food (mostly stuff that I made that is more than a year old).

I cleaned off my prosperity altar and the altar cloth is in the wash right now.

I started on my bedroom closet doing just the ritual stuff and started building an altar to love in all it's many forms - family, romantic, community, etc.

More trash out. More stuff upstairs, more recycling.

Tired now. Going to Apple store for one-to-one time this afternoon. More to learn and grow.


dryadgrl: (Default)

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