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dryadgrlIlluminating Distinctions. Constructive Anger.
Anger is a response to feeling violated. Anger gives us the energy we need to make the immediately necessary changes to protect ourselves. Sometimes at ANY cost.
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Denying anger (not feeling it, saying "no I'm not angry" rolling your eyes but saying "it's fine") is deeply part of patriarchy because who gets violated often? Women and POC, and disabled folks and queer/trans folks, etc.
.
Who is allowed to be angry? In fact who is portrayed as angry or serene and rarely anything else? Men. (Notice how men of color are frequently portrayed as particularly angry?)
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And so when we are afraid of anger or deny anger, we deny ourselves and each other the ability to be angry, we cut ourselves off from our power. When we deny ourselves the right to be angry we cut ourselves off from our rightness and our ability to have boundaries and create change about things and situations that cause us pain.
.
Gaslighting which is a term that is getting used a lot right now, is intentionally undermining someone's mental capacity and self trust through lying, denial and so on. They know what's happening and they are convincing the other person that their perception cannot be trusted.
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Most people are not gaslighting. Gaslighting is what narcissist (like 45) and predators do. The rapist I've been sharing about denying he's been convicted even though there are court docs is gaslighting. Telling people that the facts are not true is gaslighting.
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Gaslighting is a violation and should make you angry.
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When most people are mad and do stupid and ridiculous things it's because they are in a brain state that keeps them from rational thought. They are in massive pain and blaming, shaming, condescension and name calling are how they stop being in pain. Blame is discharging anger. (Whether it's true or not.)
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And they are doing the crap that they are doing because they are in protective mode and only being able to see themselves and their stuff because of their pain. Meaning that it's not on purpose.
.
Most people can get their head around their anger and pain. And they can learn to see you. You can fight and be mad without name calling, without blame and without shaming.
.
If they/you are willing they can get their impact and apologize.
People who intentionally gaslight cannot usually do that.
Anger is a response to feeling violated. Anger gives us the energy we need to make the immediately necessary changes to protect ourselves. Sometimes at ANY cost.
.
Denying anger (not feeling it, saying "no I'm not angry" rolling your eyes but saying "it's fine") is deeply part of patriarchy because who gets violated often? Women and POC, and disabled folks and queer/trans folks, etc.
.
Who is allowed to be angry? In fact who is portrayed as angry or serene and rarely anything else? Men. (Notice how men of color are frequently portrayed as particularly angry?)
.
And so when we are afraid of anger or deny anger, we deny ourselves and each other the ability to be angry, we cut ourselves off from our power. When we deny ourselves the right to be angry we cut ourselves off from our rightness and our ability to have boundaries and create change about things and situations that cause us pain.
.
Gaslighting which is a term that is getting used a lot right now, is intentionally undermining someone's mental capacity and self trust through lying, denial and so on. They know what's happening and they are convincing the other person that their perception cannot be trusted.
.
Most people are not gaslighting. Gaslighting is what narcissist (like 45) and predators do. The rapist I've been sharing about denying he's been convicted even though there are court docs is gaslighting. Telling people that the facts are not true is gaslighting.
.
Gaslighting is a violation and should make you angry.
.
When most people are mad and do stupid and ridiculous things it's because they are in a brain state that keeps them from rational thought. They are in massive pain and blaming, shaming, condescension and name calling are how they stop being in pain. Blame is discharging anger. (Whether it's true or not.)
.
And they are doing the crap that they are doing because they are in protective mode and only being able to see themselves and their stuff because of their pain. Meaning that it's not on purpose.
.
Most people can get their head around their anger and pain. And they can learn to see you. You can fight and be mad without name calling, without blame and without shaming.
.
If they/you are willing they can get their impact and apologize.
People who intentionally gaslight cannot usually do that.
