Sep. 25th, 2012

dryadgrl: (Default)
So we're nearing a month of this experiment and on the whole it's been an amazing success.

I have a lot more energy. i can get things done.
I don't have to worry so much about food. My body is not having cravings. I'm not eating between meals, but I am hungry, what seems like appropriately (as in, like other people seem to be hungry). I know a little in advance and so I can make food for myself.

Used to be when I was working at home I'd eat a bunch of times a day. Some because it was there. Usually good stuff, but food was a huge focus of my life. What I can eat, what I can't eat, do I have food, can I cook food. But with more energy, the whole struggle is just much less. I have energy to cook food. So I cook it. I know I'm going to be hungry so I can rely on my body to let me know when to cook. Food anxiety pretty nearly gone.

I do still have to figure out how to deal with food when I'm out so that I don't fall off the wagon when I travel. But until this week I have categorically refused to consider that.

Also I was down with anemia yesterday. It happened super fast. Within abut an hour I could hardly walk and it was hard to breathe and I was freezing. Thankfully I wasn't alone and my friend C got me more meds and I took them and went to bed with a heating pad. 7 hours later I was siting up, having processed the meds and feeling actually ok. Usually I'm out for three days minimum when this happens.

It also seems that iodine might be too intense for me right now. If I take it it enhances the adrenal fatigue symptoms. Recently those have been: waking with racing thoughts in the middle of the night, energy picking up after 6pm and hard to get to sleep, mid afternoon exhaustion. To deal with the adrenal fatigue I started staking Thorne's Cortex. I'm going to check in with my doc about it this week. But it seems to be working.

I know the medication is also working because as of this week I'm down to the smallest bra that I own which is two cup sizes and one band size smaller than what I wore 6 weeks ago. Nothing else has changed in terms of clothes sizes. But the last time I worked super hard at losing weight, this is exactly the way it happened. My bust gets smaller first. Then it took months and required an hour of swimming a day. Now I'm just doing what I'm doing and worrying less.

So there it is, I guess.

Please don't congratulate me on all of this. I am not sure how I feel about it, to be honest. I mean I am excited that I am losing weight, but weight is so connected to society's values around self worth of women that I just don't want to have other people's validation of that system. You can validate that I feel healthier, but I don't want any, "Have you lost weight? You look really good!" I know I'll have to deal with it in other places, I just don't know what to say.

I know people mean well. And fuck them, actually. Either they like me at whatever size I am or not. And I don't want to deal with people's shit about body image. I have a lot to sort through. I am dealing with a lot of internal stuff about my fear around the possibility of substantial weight change. I want it because it would be healthy for me (50 lbs ago I felt super healthy which is still "morbidly obese" so I don't want others to get any funny ideas).

But first I have no idea what's going to happen. Second, it's none of your business. Yes, even though I blog about it. It's pretty painful to be dealing with and all the societal expectations just get in the way.

Anyway, it hurts. And I need to be with myself before I'm with other people about my body.Many bodies aren't political, but mine is. And I really want that to not be the case.


dryadgrl: (Default)

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