Not enough play?
Dec. 10th, 2012 02:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dryadgrlI went to see "Sweet Honey in the Rock" last night at the paramount with some friends. They always make me have a spiritual experience, sometimes even just listening to them on YouTube.
I found myself up in the middle of the night dealing with detox symptoms from the pain medication I've been on due to the root canal that went awry and then fixed on Friday. I this minor realization that I feel like I never get enough play and so resist doing work.
Well at least I often resist doing work I don't want to do like housework or sometimes bookkeeping, stuff like that. I had a ex who taught me about giving myself space until I was ready to work. I've used that theory for a long time and tried to prioritize self care over everything. In some ways it has worked miraculously well. I started doing a lot more self care and when I feel bad I head towards self care.
But after starting thyroid meds I have more energy and I am doing more things. I feel some days like I'm doing a lot more things. But it hasn't been feeling like enough. At the concert in my crying inspiration I came back to why I got into doing work around money - that money often is a substitute for enough. And I am enough just as I am.
On the heels of that things turned over and I had this realization that I"m starting to dive into: that I never really had a childhood and therefore I never feel like there's been enough play and I'm ready to settle down and work.
I think some of that is true. Certainly the beginning of that is true. My childhood was difficult and scary in a bunch of non-standard ways.
But I also sometimes feel so paralyzed by spending money or not spending money or time on "frivilous" things that I don't go out and spend the time and money that I need to to really play most of the time. It's kinda dumb. And has been happening a lot more since the thyroid meds. I mean I set aside the time, but I'm constantly afraid that the time should be going to something "useful." And so instead of going out for that walk or organizing meal planning, I'm on the computer answering emails and setting up social media. I mean I need more work and I need to clean the house and I need to clean the car and I'm behind on curriculum and on this and that and the other thing.... But I need the recreational time to recuperate and have the focus to do the hard things. Otherwise that social media time turns into cruising FaceBook and reposting cute kitten photos that really no one cares about - not even me.
And then I read my freewill astrology horoscope today:
"One of my spiritual teachers once told me that a good spiritual teacher makes an effort not to seem too perfect. She said some teachers even cultivate odd quirks and harmless failings on purpose. Why? To get the best learning experience, students must be discouraged from over-idealizing the wise advisors they look up to. It's crucial they understand that achieving utter purity is impossible and unrealistic. Being perceived as an infallible expert is dangerous for teachers, too; it makes them prone to egotistical grandiosity. I bring this up, Virgo, because it's an excellent time to reduce the likelihood that you'll be seduced by the illusion of perfection.
"Assume that your drive to experience pleasure isn't a barrier to your spiritual growth, but is in fact essential to it. Proceed on the hypothesis that cultivating joy can make you a more ethical and compassionate person. Imagine that feeling good has something important to teach you every day."
Ok fine. I will seek joy again. I do like joy and all. But I'm warning you, I still need to do the dishes! Uh, someday.
I found myself up in the middle of the night dealing with detox symptoms from the pain medication I've been on due to the root canal that went awry and then fixed on Friday. I this minor realization that I feel like I never get enough play and so resist doing work.
Well at least I often resist doing work I don't want to do like housework or sometimes bookkeeping, stuff like that. I had a ex who taught me about giving myself space until I was ready to work. I've used that theory for a long time and tried to prioritize self care over everything. In some ways it has worked miraculously well. I started doing a lot more self care and when I feel bad I head towards self care.
But after starting thyroid meds I have more energy and I am doing more things. I feel some days like I'm doing a lot more things. But it hasn't been feeling like enough. At the concert in my crying inspiration I came back to why I got into doing work around money - that money often is a substitute for enough. And I am enough just as I am.
On the heels of that things turned over and I had this realization that I"m starting to dive into: that I never really had a childhood and therefore I never feel like there's been enough play and I'm ready to settle down and work.
I think some of that is true. Certainly the beginning of that is true. My childhood was difficult and scary in a bunch of non-standard ways.
But I also sometimes feel so paralyzed by spending money or not spending money or time on "frivilous" things that I don't go out and spend the time and money that I need to to really play most of the time. It's kinda dumb. And has been happening a lot more since the thyroid meds. I mean I set aside the time, but I'm constantly afraid that the time should be going to something "useful." And so instead of going out for that walk or organizing meal planning, I'm on the computer answering emails and setting up social media. I mean I need more work and I need to clean the house and I need to clean the car and I'm behind on curriculum and on this and that and the other thing.... But I need the recreational time to recuperate and have the focus to do the hard things. Otherwise that social media time turns into cruising FaceBook and reposting cute kitten photos that really no one cares about - not even me.
And then I read my freewill astrology horoscope today:
"One of my spiritual teachers once told me that a good spiritual teacher makes an effort not to seem too perfect. She said some teachers even cultivate odd quirks and harmless failings on purpose. Why? To get the best learning experience, students must be discouraged from over-idealizing the wise advisors they look up to. It's crucial they understand that achieving utter purity is impossible and unrealistic. Being perceived as an infallible expert is dangerous for teachers, too; it makes them prone to egotistical grandiosity. I bring this up, Virgo, because it's an excellent time to reduce the likelihood that you'll be seduced by the illusion of perfection.
"Assume that your drive to experience pleasure isn't a barrier to your spiritual growth, but is in fact essential to it. Proceed on the hypothesis that cultivating joy can make you a more ethical and compassionate person. Imagine that feeling good has something important to teach you every day."
Ok fine. I will seek joy again. I do like joy and all. But I'm warning you, I still need to do the dishes! Uh, someday.
