Briana's theory of parenting

[dryadgrl]

I realized recently that my theory about parenting is starting to payoff.

I decided early on, for some reason I don't remember now, that I'd say no to Kiddo the least amount possible. I call it "Why We Let Our Kids Do Weird Things" system of parenting.

I say no when it matters... "No you can't go get hit by that bus." and... "No don't stick that in your ear." Or "Please don't jump off that high thing, I don't have time to take you to the hospital today."

And sometimes I say no for other more selfish reasons, "No you can't build the Eiffel Tower out of toothpicks here in this restaurant tonight. I'm too tired" And... "I'd love for you to have a pet, but an alligator is not currently an acceptable pet. Thank you for asking."

Sometimes not saying 'no' meant he's played a lot of video games. He is 12 after all.

At one point when I was worrying about him climbing an especially tall tree a friend said, "You know they generally don't kill themselves - they're quite good at knowing their limits."

After reflecting and reviewing medical bills I discovered that it's true. He's broken a couple of bones, but nothing more serious than that. Quite wise actually considering the possibilities of a very adventurous small child.

So I started saying 'no' less about semi-dangerous, non-lethal things, like surfboarding and zip lines and fire starting (well some fires).

Instead, I stare vigilantly in the other direction until the urge to hurl myself at him to force him to stop subsides. It almost always does. Sometimes I even have the guts to engage and support him.

At some point, while standing next to another parent, my son came and asked me a question. I call it a boundary question. Things like, "Can I have a 4th doughnut?" Or "Can I stay up until 2 in the morning tonight?" Questions where it's clear to me that he wants a boundary that he cannot do himself. And I gave it to him.

He was delighted and gave me hug. I don't think Kiddo realized why, but he was glad for my support in that way.

The other parent was more than a little mystified.

I realized that because I don't tell my son no when it's for reasons that are solely about me like image or vanity or what society says that he trusts my decisions and actively wants my support. It's a little shocking. Isn't this supposed to be the age where kids decide you're a dork or a jerk and abandon you for life?

I guess it's still possible. But at 12 I was really done with my parents.

Another wise friend said to me recently, "My parents never asked my opinion about shit." Referring of course to the idea that there was little communication, not that they had bathroom issues. I hadn't thought about it that way (and am so glad to be many years past potty training).

It's true. My parents didn't ask me my opinions about things that effected me. I eventually was forceful enough to make my own decisions. And that was it's own disaster.

The result is that my son is helpful. He's super engaged in the world, when allowed to follow his own path. He has enough insight to want to choose homeschool rather than public school and wants to live in the woods as much as possible. I didn't say no.

Now he's creating his own curriculum. He's learning about gardening and ecosystems and computers. Other people like him and want to help him. *I* like him.

Weird, huh?

Comments

[zpdiduda.livejournal.com]

It's pretty cool when you realize that you not only love your kid, but actually like him.

Yay for you. And Kiddo. :)

[lexica510.livejournal.com]

I think my mom had a similar approach to yours. She told me, "I decided when you were very little that if I told you to do something or not do something, and you said "Why?", I had to have a reason. If I didn't, I would have to back down and let you do it."

Because I could tell she wasn't exerting her will over me for the sake of exerting it, I never got into the habit of rebelling, and during my teens she was my biggest support and hugely important to me. Also, because she almost never invoked "because I'm the mommy, that's why," I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt on the rare occasions when she would tell me to do something and not be open for discussing it, figuring she probably had a good reason.

From my own interactions with Kiddo, I project that you are doing an excellent job. He is such a nice kid young person (it feels a little odd to refer to him as a "kid" when he's at that in-between stage, where sometimes when I look at him I see the boy he was and sometimes I get a flash of the young man he's becoming).

[green-truth.livejournal.com]

The two of you always make me feel so proud. Watching you parent and him grow up the way he is, full of energy and lovely wildness and yet also so considerate and thoughtful, helps me have faith in our world and that there are more people out there being good parents.