Rxd "Marriage" Vows

"Relationship by Design “Marriage” Vows!"

-I vow to stay connected no matter what
-I vow to use this relationship as a crucible for wake up
-I vow to do my best to draw out your best
-I vow to come back to the spot over and over again no matter what.

And with this ring - I symbolize the commitment to staying connected.

Racism

Wow. I'm very surprised.... (racism uncovered/explored)

So I'm starting to see some of the connections that white folks are making that are just ... well, racist. Not just garden variety racism. But a whole new level of disconnection from reality... and well shock.

I just watched people I'm related post a meme about how "we should sue the Dems for putting immigrants first." I was like.... waaaaaat????

There there were several stories in the comments about how white folks went to apply for welfare and were told that they would get help if only they were a different skin color.

First of all, that's against all the HHS policies on every level.
Second, that has NOTHING TO DO WITH IMMIGRATION! Nothing!

Also: Not one person talked about immigrants.

I kept wondering when someone was going to say something about immigrants and their experiences. Nope.

So the twisted logic is: THOSE PEOPLE are getting something I'm not getting so it's their fault.

I have listened to the argument that says that immigrants are taking our jobs! It's not true and it's racist, but it's a direct correlation: I don't have a job, someone else took it. It's missing vital facts and information and you know, stuff. It's something that I can reason with and get them information and empathize with. I'm sorry you don't have a job. I'm sorry you didn't get welfare in a time of need. I'm sorry you're in debt. I really, really am sorry that so many people are in so much financial crap. It sucks.

But this thing of "I'm unhappy and therefore it's the fault of all people of color and a whole political party have been making sure that citizens of this country can't get help." This is... literally sick. Some how the blade is wielded such that the political party that are actually trying to increase social safety net are making it so that white people cannot get welfare??????

As this has gone on, the next argument is "I want people to be treated all the same."

Wait... what?

This is baffling to me. Do you want people to get treated all the same? Or do you want to not have immigrants/black folks get support? What is happening here?

What I realize is that this premise that people on "the right" are emotional and not being their arguments on facts seems more and more true. But really I'm so confused about it.

So all the same isn't that folks of color don't get support (though that's in there) is that they want to be treated "the same" as other folks. So women want to make "the same" as black folks. So.... less than they make now?

The idea is that they think black folks make more. I. Can't. Even.

It's hella racist and that's not ok.

And it also seems to run itself in circles and amp up the anger without being able to acknowledge any emotion. "I'm not mad." Was literally said amidst the arguments.

If you're not mad or hurt by what's happening to you, why are you continuing to tell the story? That is victim mentality. That is speaking from a wound.

The next level down for me is... so you're not in touch with those feelings? You're telling the story and being in victim, but not able to see that you're in pain? Or anger? You're not in touch with your rage at this situation?

I know that I'm really aware of my feelings. But I don't ... or maybe I assume that other people have some lvel of connection to feelings. That if I say, "You're mad that..." They can say, "Yes I'm mad" or "I'm not mad, I'm...." But none landed.

It feels very, very disconnected to me.

Grief

Since I've been home from my magical week in the woods I've been in a very slow place. Deep, not in the down exactly, but metabolizing my power, and open to what comes. Tonight, after 3.5 years, I finally read my mom's obituary. Even though we had a difficult relationship, I was the one of her daughters that did her eulogy at the funeral because I've always been the strong one. The one that stuffs it down so that we can cope. The one that says the thing that needs to be said.

I decided that I'd speak only truth. That she has good things about her, that we had a sometimes difficult relationship. That she was ill my whole life. That I loved her. I decided that it was important to honor myself in the telling. It was all that I could do to write it and speak it.

And the depth of my grief flowed out. Once out, I did not want to revisit it. After a few months of grieving, hard and harder and deep, I put it all away. I stopped watching sad things, I would just not open any piece of that because it felt so incredibly raw and... dangerous. I felt like if I touched it I would never stop grieving. But tonight I happened across my aunt (her sister's) obit because I was looking at family stuff and thinking about love and legacy and power. And so I decided to read it. I remember vaguely helping my sister write it.

I realized that I didn't want to read it because it would mean that it was over. Even though our relationship was hard. Even though we fought. Even though she was a drunk. Even though I was angry. She was gone and it was done. Forever. It's going to be 4 years this Thanksgiving that I had to pull the plug on my mom's life support and I finally feel done. The cycle is complete; I am free to be as sad or as joyful as I really, truly am.

Breaking open anger with sex

I've been working a lot with anger and sex this last few months. And this is one of the things that I've opened to. I was given a challenge to have a regular anger practice and so I did. And this weekend instead of my nearly monthly (PMS) nightmare night I had a rage dream - fear and terror. I woke in the middle of the night crying and my beloved held me. In the morning I got up early and wrote and wrote about it. Eventually I emptied out as much as I could but still felt brittle and rigid.

So I climbed back into bed as my beloved was waking and asked him to take me. I told him that I needed penetration. And he got between my legs and.. he has this incredible intuition. He knows exactly how to touch me, where, how much to open me completely to him. He's the only lover I've ever had who can make me squirt through penetratin and he did - over and over while he went deeper and deeper, opening me, soften my heart and my pussy. Because of his penetration I was able to open completely to divinity and take his sex and light into every part of me all the way out to my fingertips and through the top of my head.

Once we were complete, my whole body softened, the anger was gone, transformed into openness and so many tears. We spent most of the rest of the day in bed. First just us and then joined in snuggles with another, which allowed me to just stay in that soft, open, gentle place.