Best sweetheart

Sometimes it's the happy things that are hard to share:
I woke up after a nap, sleeping on my beloved's bare chest. and said, "Oh gosh, I'm drooling on your chest."

He says, "I love it! Having you drool on my chest makes me feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose."

It made me all teary eyed. I feel so completely loved.

Such a sweet weekend!

Pleasure and anger

Pleasure Project: Anger and Pleasure.

So as I've been diving into pleasure more and more and more, I've also been noticing my anger in a really deep way. I started on an anger practice a few months ago because I don't like getting angry and it felt antithetical to pleasure.

In my talk with Victoria Whitfield today she said, "Angergasm." And I suddenly got it. Anger and Pleasure are two sides of the same coin.

To be deeply authentic and relax into tolerating more and more pleasure I have to tolerate and dive deep into all the emotions that come up. "You can't selectively numb emotions. " Says Brené Brown

So if I'm taking a deep dive into pleasure and opening to sensation and to joy in bigger and bigger ways, I will feel more of everything else. I have done of a lot of feeling pain and terror and overwhelm - pleasure seems to be the antidote to a lot of that. But other things come up more sharply. And anger is tops on that list.

As a culture, we're also afraid of anger. So of course as I'm diving into opening up and dissolving my resistance to pleasure I'm also opening up places where there are other kinds of shame and resistance. Anger for me has often felt like weather (as Tia Marie Paquin says). It comes and passes through if I express it and moves on.

So instead of resisting anger, I'm going to run towards it. I'm going to do my best to embrace it and to tolerate feeling it and see what's actually deep down in there. I noticed after doing this for just a moment what I'm often really mad at is me. For not listening to myself and my instincts, for not having more clear boundaries or picking people who are not kind or not capable, etc.

So... anger. Yeah. When I write these I like to ask a question at the end because I don't want to just be shouting into the void. How is anger for you? What are you noticing/feeling?

Money. And the truth.

Money.
There is nothing criminal about being poor.
There's nothing wrong with being poor or not having money. There's nothing wrong with worrying about money.
There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
There's nothing wrong with you if you have to choose between food and paying something else.
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The issue here is not you, it's not folks living in poverty or struggling with money no matter how much you have or don't have.
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The issue is the stories we tell ourselves and each other about being poor.
The issue is that we're not allowed to talk about money in a way that is deep enough, connected enough that lets us into the world of people at all socio-economic levels.
The issue is that the media tells us that we should live in houses that look a certain way.
The issue is that being poor is criminalized at all levels of government AND the banking system.
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Everything in our world tells us that there's something wrong with you if you have a certain amount of money.
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ALSO
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On the left, in our radical, helping, healing issues we're told that being wealthy and having money is straight up evil. That wealthy people are evil and doing bad things. They don't get us and the money corrupts us. There is literally no good way to have resources and be considered a good person.
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That's not ok.
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And so many of us have never had substantial assets, resources or support and so we take it as true.
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Many of us have had or lost resources and we feel guilty or ashamed or overwhelmed by them - whether we have them or not.
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The path that I keep finding over and over again for that last 10+ years is that all of this is bullshit.
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Total and complete bullshit.
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The only truth that I can find here is that we can to find our own way. That those of us who've stepped out of the path that was not carved for us have to find our own way. Define our own success, our own terms.
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To unfold and open our own path. Sometimes chopping away, but more often choosing in the quiet moments to make the choices that are only ours to make.
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We cannot rely on the systems or the media or even our parents to tell us our path. There is no ONE TRUE PATH to financial wellness. Each path is our own.
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My first noble quality is freedom. And when pressed or threatened I respond with moving against the pressure to to make my own reality.
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It's not the easiest path.
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I'm not the easiest person in that way. I'm not a go-along person. I have been a "do it all" person. And that's shifted into a "do what is mine to do" person. And this is mine to do.
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What if the thing that I have been heading towards is not teaching you how it is and the *right* way, but being a space for you to find your place in the world? For us as community to find a place to have the deep conversations that need having.
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What if what I'm here for is to just be me and hold my space so that in the presence of freedom you can be... who you really are?
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With the money stuff I don't have the answers - well I have some of the answers. Technical, logistical, and my answers. But what I have is questions to ask and consider on the path to what you're looking for here. It is a thing I can be relied on for.
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I can be relied on to not believe the system when it tells you poverty is bad.
I can be relied on to not believe the media and question their assumptions.
I can be relied to notice and ask about whether this is something you want or something your parents/caregivers want.
I can be relied on to be curious about where you are and where I am.
I can be relied on to help you look at the things that hurt and not look away.
I can be relied on to offer ideas and solutions in places that I'm familiar.
I can be relied on to offer partnership when it's available in our space.
I can be relied on to continuously come back to my space and my power and not let you knock me over or harm me.
I can be relied on to love you - And still have boundaries.
I can be relied on to be joy even when it's hard, and to find the places of humor even when things are serious.
I can be relied on to honor you. All of you. And all of me.
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I believe that if we are not allowed to inhabit all of the places on the spectrum including the ones that are hard, we will never ever leave our current spot. We can't. We just don't have access to the power and the freedom to do so.
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Freedom (including autonomy), and power (the ability to act) go together. If you don't feel free, you won't act.
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Where do you feel free/open/connected? Or want to feel that freedom?
Yes, i'll send you an invitation to join the community if you ask.