I avoided taking a call from the boyfriend yesterday. Shortly after that I realized it was because I am holding on to something. Specifically something that I think might hurt him or might cause me to want to end the relationship if we can't solve it.
I don't know how much is about him and how much is about me. What I have realized is that when I'm stressed out I need to cancel things and go away from people which is why it's critical that I NOT over-schedule. Pretty much ever. And that I still don't know how to do that while living a fulfilling life.
This week has been super intense. I had to go to court and that was not resolved because of a procedural issue, a memorial for a friend (which helped me feel better, but still intense), 1099 deadline and so on. It doesn't even matter what. There is always something going on. And it seems that every few months there's a convergence of things and I need to cancel and re-arrange.
That's up from not being able to ever really keep time commitments in 2005 and up from regular weekly cancellations because of illness/overwhelm convergences. But it's still more than feels like a even keel and that I feel like I can really plan for.
It used to be that when I was upset I would just go away. For years I didn't believe that things were resolvable with people and that was because I wasn't available to hear them and wasn't available to add emotionality of a situation in addition to the logistical things.
It's been a long time now since that was the practice in my life. Mostly things seem like they might be resolvable. And mostly I am available to do that resolving. But boyfriend is suffering from depression himself and I'm loathe to add anything to that.
I guess I have a new question: what do you do when an issue has come up multiple times and it feels like it's edging towards entrenched?
Maybe I haven't been clear about what I need. (That's probably true given that I'm not sure I always know what I need.) I am afraid to say what I need to say. I don't want to hurt him. And I don't really want to go away. But I need something to shift.
Interestingly, when he called this morning, his sweetness totally melted my heart and brought me more into my body. I just want that so much. And when it feels missing, I feel disconnected. In writing this I realized there is something really clear that I can ask for. He said he would do something that he didn't and it really hurt my feelings. I haven't really said anything about it because of the depression (and that "I don't want to hurt you" thing.) But if I don't clear it these emotions will get bigger - I know this kind of stuff turns into resentment for me. I don't want to go there. I don't want to resent him.
So by protecting him, I'm actually doing us both a disservice. Great.
Well at least now I know what I need to do.
This is why I need writing. I'm so glad I'm becoming available for this again.
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