dryadgrl: (Default)
2012-08-11 05:41 am
Entry tags:

What is worth it?

One of the things I've been reflecting on is my relationship to Reclaiming and what I really want in a spiritual tradition.

I've stopped volunteering and taken myself off of all of the lists and stepped away from all the politics. Being just a person was so much easy - in so many ways. No politics to worry about, I didn't need to worry about offending anyone or working relationships. I just did exactly what I wanted to do.

I helped out when I wanted to and was available and didn't when I wasn't interested. I focused a lot on my son and making sure he got rest and sleep and engagement. I rested and recovered and connected with friends.

I did not go to meetings. I did not feel bad about not going to meetings.

I felt a lot more at choice in some ways. I didn't realize that I could let go so much and still be engaged in relationships. There's a hyper vigilance that seems to be calming down in my life. But I decided to not engage any of the D5 stuff or the all camp meeting or ritual planning or even showing up at rituals unless it served me.

If I'm seeking peace and calm and love, what does it take to have that? How does that engage my activism? I don't want to give up seeking the truth and seeking justice and alignment; I don't want fight any more. So I'm starting to seek a path that really serves all of me.

I don't know if that will be in Reclaiming, that tradition itself is a bit at war about activism and it's place in the tradition in some ways and so in that way the tradition is a match for where I find myself just now.

And there's a lot about transparency and inclusivity that do not get focus or time and that's hard for me. But if I'm not engaging the politics maybe that will continue to die down.

I also want more time for reflection and that's going to have to come from somewhere. At the moment I think that somewhere is teevee and internet time. I really want to get rid of cable teevee to be honest. I think it takes up far too much of household time. Internet as well. I can't get rid of it from the house because i work here, but some days I want to. Maybe I could unplug it on the weekends or something so that the focus comes back to the people and our development.

What this comes down to for me is that I don't have to leave Reclaiming as a practitioner, for now. Kiddo is talking about going to Ca camp in 2 years when he can and wanting to go to Wintercamp and to see Kilgore, Owen and Angela in the winter. Connecting with community is one of the things I've always wanted for Kiddo and he's loving doing it just as I've been having my crisis of community. And because of him I'm not leaving entirely. For now anyway.

But I am not volunteering for anything in the community. I am working in another community and that's more than enough for now.