My Reality

I want a new dream

2022-04-07T21:23:55Z

Dear universe,

I want a new dream.

I have been so sad and so lost and I want a new dream. I want to do art and learn art and restore myself and feel good and feel better.

I want to learn some new art.

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Test. Can I post this?

2020-05-12T21:31:38Z

Can I post this? Recent posts are not working at all.

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Healing Honey - Anti viral honey

2020-05-11T20:09:33Z

Today I'm making chaga, turmeric, ginger and black pepper honey!

For effectiveness turmeric needs black pepper for absorption/effectiveness. That ration is about 100:1 turmeric:black pepper. (reference here: https://lyfebotanicals.com/health/turmeric-black-pepper/) For whole herbs it's a bit different. The reco seems to be 1/4 tsp black pepper to 1/2 cup turmeric. https://www.umassmed.edu/nutrition/blog/blog-posts/2019/6/using-black-pepper-to-enhance-the-anti-inflammatory-effects-of-turmeric/

What we ended up doing: about
1.5 c of turmeric
3 TBlspoons black pepper
3/4c chaga
2/3rd c ginger

All of these herbs were dried and powered. All but the ginger came from Mountain Rose Herbs. The Ginger was McCormicks that I happened to have on hand. (I also have fresh ginger and turmeric but that was too much to deal with today.

That went into about 10 lbs of honey (about 1 gallon).

You can use it in tea or just eat it. It's a powerful immune support, anti viral, anti inflammatory , anti nausea, etc.

To make:
Warm the honey in a crockpot on low. Do not boil. Just get it warm enough to ladle into jars.
Mix your dry herbs in a bowl and spoon into jars or into the honey if you'rae making just one concoction. I have only done jars and then putting the warm honey on top.

With a stick or knife stir each jar a bit until the honey is mixed and then cap the jars. Let them sit for 3-4 weeks before using. With powdered herb you can use quite quickly. The longer this sits, the more potent it gets.
<3,

comments

Sierra Hot Springs

2020-05-11T20:08:01Z

Today I'm making chaga, turmeric, ginger and black pepper honey!

For effectiveness turmeric needs black pepper for absorption/effectiveness. That ration is about 100:1 turmeric:black pepper. (reference here: https://lyfebotanicals.com/health/turmeric-black-pepper/) For whole herbs it's a bit different. The reco seems to be 1/4 tsp black pepper to 1/2 cup turmeric. https://www.umassmed.edu/nutrition/blog/blog-posts/2019/6/using-black-pepper-to-enhance-the-anti-inflammatory-effects-of-turmeric/

What we ended up doing: about
1.5 c of turmeric
3 TBlspoons black pepper
3/4c chaga
2/3rd c ginger

All of these herbs were dried and powered. All but the ginger came from Mountain Rose Herbs. The Ginger was McCormicks that I happened to have on hand. (I also have fresh ginger and turmeric but that was too much to deal with today.

That went into about 10 lbs of honey (about 1 gallon).

You can use it in tea or just eat it. It's a powerful immune support, anti viral, anti inflammatory , anti nausea, etc.

To make:
Warm the honey in a crockpot on low. Do not boil. Just get it warm enough to ladle into jars.
Mix your dry herbs in a bowl and spoon into jars or into the honey if you're making just one concoction. I have only done jars and then putting the warm honey on top.

With a stick or knife stir each jar a bit until the honey is mixed and then cap the jars. Let them sit for 3-4 weeks before using. With powdered herb you can use quite quickly. The longer this sits, the more potent it gets.
<3,

comments

Sierra Hot Springs

2020-05-11T20:06:05Z

Today I'm making chaga, turmeric, ginger and black pepper honey!

For effectiveness turmeric needs black pepper for absorption/effectiveness. That ration is about 100:1 turmeric:black pepper. (reference here: https://lyfebotanicals.com/health/turmeric-black-pepper/) For whole herbs it's a bit different. The reco seems to be 1/4 tsp black pepper to 1/2 cup turmeric. https://www.umassmed.edu/nutrition/blog/blog-posts/2019/6/using-black-pepper-to-enhance-the-anti-inflammatory-effects-of-turmeric/

What we ended up doing: about
1.5 c of turmeric
3 TBlspoons black pepper
3/4c chaga
2/3rd c ginger

All of these herbs were dried and powered. All but the ginger came from Mountain Rose Herbs. The Ginger was McCormicks that I happened to have on hand. (I also have fresh ginger and turmeric but that was too much to deal with today.

That went into about 10 lbs of honey (about 1 gallon).

You can use it in tea or just eat it. It's a powerful immune support, anti viral, anti inflammatory , anti nausea, etc.

To make:
Warm the honey in a crockpot on low. Do not boil. Just get it warm enuogh to laddle into jars.
Mix your dry herbs in a bowl and spoon into jars or into the honey if you're making just one concoction. I have only done jars and then putting the warm honey on top.

With a stick or knofe stir each jar a bit until the honey is mixed and then cap the jars. Let them sit for 3-4 weeks before using. With powdered herb you can use quite quickly. The longer this sits, the more potent it gets.
<3,

comments

Chaga, turmeric, black pepper medicinal honey

2020-05-11T00:48:50Z

Today I'm making chaga, turmeric, ginger and black pepper honey!

For effectiveness turmeric needs black pepper for absorption/effectiveness. That ration is about 100:1 turmeric:black pepper. (reference here: https://lyfebotanicals.com/health/turmeric-black-pepper/) For whole herbs it's a bit different. The reco seems to be 1/4 tsp black pepper to 1/2 cup turmeric. https://www.umassmed.edu/nutrition/blog/blog-posts/2019/6/using-black-pepper-to-enhance-the-anti-inflammatory-effects-of-turmeric/

What we ended up doing: about
1.5 c of turmeric
3 TBlspoons black pepper
3/4c chaga
2/3rd c ginger

All of these herbs were dried and powered. All but the ginger came from Mountain Rose Herbs. The Ginger was McCormicks that I happened to have on hand. (I also have fresh ginger and turmeric but that was too much to deal with today.

That went into about 10 lbs of honey (about 1 gallon).

You can use it in tea or just eat it. It's a powerful immune support, anti viral, anti inflammatory , anti nausea, etc.

To make:
Warm the honey in a crockpot on low. Do not boil. Just get it warm enuogh to laddle into jars.
Mix your dry herbs in a bowl and spoon into jars or into the honey if you're making just one concoction. I have only done jars and then putting the warm honey on top.

With a stick or knofe stir each jar a bit until the honey is mixed and then cap the jars. Let them sit for 3-4 weeks before using. With powdered herb you can use quite quickly. The longer this sits, the more potent it gets.
<3,

comments

Anti virals

2020-03-22T22:25:51Z

From Riyana

First the thing that used to be called fire cider

honey, apple cider vinegar, garlic.
Tastes nasty but works amazing - 2 dropper fills every 4 hours.

Chaga chai latte (this is New Moon Brand) and it's delicous
chaga
reishi
ashwaganda
roasted chicory and dandelion
milky oat
orange
ginger
cardamom
cinmon
self heal
honey

The third one is harder to read:

black cohosh
lemon balm
usnea
ginger
and 2 others
(maybe self heal and mica?)

More when I know

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Money. And the truth.

2019-01-29T23:32:48Z

Money.
There is nothing criminal about being poor.
There's nothing wrong with being poor or not having money. There's nothing wrong with worrying about money.
There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
There's nothing wrong with you if you have to choose between food and paying something else.
.
The issue here is not you, it's not folks living in poverty or struggling with money no matter how much you have or don't have.
.
The issue is the stories we tell ourselves and each other about being poor.
The issue is that we're not allowed to talk about money in a way that is deep enough, connected enough that lets us into the world of people at all socio-economic levels.
The issue is that the media tells us that we should live in houses that look a certain way.
The issue is that being poor is criminalized at all levels of government AND the banking system.
.
Everything in our world tells us that there's something wrong with you if you have a certain amount of money.
.
ALSO
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On the left, in our radical, helping, healing issues we're told that being wealthy and having money is straight up evil. That wealthy people are evil and doing bad things. They don't get us and the money corrupts us. There is literally no good way to have resources and be considered a good person.
.
That's not ok.
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And so many of us have never had substantial assets, resources or support and so we take it as true.
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Many of us have had or lost resources and we feel guilty or ashamed or overwhelmed by them - whether we have them or not.
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The path that I keep finding over and over again for that last 10+ years is that all of this is bullshit.
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Total and complete bullshit.
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The only truth that I can find here is that we can to find our own way. That those of us who've stepped out of the path that was not carved for us have to find our own way. Define our own success, our own terms.
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To unfold and open our own path. Sometimes chopping away, but more often choosing in the quiet moments to make the choices that are only ours to make.
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We cannot rely on the systems or the media or even our parents to tell us our path. There is no ONE TRUE PATH to financial wellness. Each path is our own.
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My first noble quality is freedom. And when pressed or threatened I respond with moving against the pressure to to make my own reality.
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It's not the easiest path.
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I'm not the easiest person in that way. I'm not a go-along person. I have been a "do it all" person. And that's shifted into a "do what is mine to do" person. And this is mine to do.
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What if the thing that I have been heading towards is not teaching you how it is and the *right* way, but being a space for you to find your place in the world? For us as community to find a place to have the deep conversations that need having.
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What if what I'm here for is to just be me and hold my space so that in the presence of freedom you can be... who you really are?
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With the money stuff I don't have the answers - well I have some of the answers. Technical, logistical, and my answers. But what I have is questions to ask and consider on the path to what you're looking for here. It is a thing I can be relied on for.
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I can be relied on to not believe the system when it tells you poverty is bad.
I can be relied on to not believe the media and question their assumptions.
I can be relied to notice and ask about whether this is something you want or something your parents/caregivers want.
I can be relied on to be curious about where you are and where I am.
I can be relied on to help you look at the things that hurt and not look away.
I can be relied on to offer ideas and solutions in places that I'm familiar.
I can be relied on to offer partnership when it's available in our space.
I can be relied on to continuously come back to my space and my power and not let you knock me over or harm me.
I can be relied on to love you - And still have boundaries.
I can be relied on to be joy even when it's hard, and to find the places of humor even when things are serious.
I can be relied on to honor you. All of you. And all of me.
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I believe that if we are not allowed to inhabit all of the places on the spectrum including the ones that are hard, we will never ever leave our current spot. We can't. We just don't have access to the power and the freedom to do so.
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Freedom (including autonomy), and power (the ability to act) go together. If you don't feel free, you won't act.
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Where do you feel free/open/connected? Or want to feel that freedom?
Yes, i'll send you an invitation to join the community if you ask.

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Anger

2018-09-12T08:32:59Z

Illuminating Distinctions. Constructive Anger.

Anger is a response to feeling violated. Anger gives us the energy we need to make the immediately necessary changes to protect ourselves. Sometimes at ANY cost.
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Denying anger (not feeling it, saying "no I'm not angry" rolling your eyes but saying "it's fine") is deeply part of patriarchy because who gets violated often? Women and POC, and disabled folks and queer/trans folks, etc.
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Who is allowed to be angry? In fact who is portrayed as angry or serene and rarely anything else? Men. (Notice how men of color are frequently portrayed as particularly angry?)
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And so when we are afraid of anger or deny anger, we deny ourselves and each other the ability to be angry, we cut ourselves off from our power. When we deny ourselves the right to be angry we cut ourselves off from our rightness and our ability to have boundaries and create change about things and situations that cause us pain.
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Gaslighting which is a term that is getting used a lot right now, is intentionally undermining someone's mental capacity and self trust through lying, denial and so on. They know what's happening and they are convincing the other person that their perception cannot be trusted.
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Most people are not gaslighting. Gaslighting is what narcissist (like 45) and predators do. The rapist I've been sharing about denying he's been convicted even though there are court docs is gaslighting. Telling people that the facts are not true is gaslighting.
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Gaslighting is a violation and should make you angry.
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When most people are mad and do stupid and ridiculous things it's because they are in a brain state that keeps them from rational thought. They are in massive pain and blaming, shaming, condescension and name calling are how they stop being in pain. Blame is discharging anger. (Whether it's true or not.)
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And they are doing the crap that they are doing because they are in protective mode and only being able to see themselves and their stuff because of their pain. Meaning that it's not on purpose.
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Most people can get their head around their anger and pain. And they can learn to see you. You can fight and be mad without name calling, without blame and without shaming.
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If they/you are willing they can get their impact and apologize.
People who intentionally gaslight cannot usually do that.

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Racism

2018-08-08T05:12:21Z

Wow. I'm very surprised.... (racism uncovered/explored)

So I'm starting to see some of the connections that white folks are making that are just ... well, racist. Not just garden variety racism. But a whole new level of disconnection from reality... and well shock.

I just watched people I'm related post a meme about how "we should sue the Dems for putting immigrants first." I was like.... waaaaaat????

There there were several stories in the comments about how white folks went to apply for welfare and were told that they would get help if only they were a different skin color.

First of all, that's against all the HHS policies on every level.
Second, that has NOTHING TO DO WITH IMMIGRATION! Nothing!

Also: Not one person talked about immigrants.

I kept wondering when someone was going to say something about immigrants and their experiences. Nope.

So the twisted logic is: THOSE PEOPLE are getting something I'm not getting so it's their fault.

I have listened to the argument that says that immigrants are taking our jobs! It's not true and it's racist, but it's a direct correlation: I don't have a job, someone else took it. It's missing vital facts and information and you know, stuff. It's something that I can reason with and get them information and empathize with. I'm sorry you don't have a job. I'm sorry you didn't get welfare in a time of need. I'm sorry you're in debt. I really, really am sorry that so many people are in so much financial crap. It sucks.

But this thing of "I'm unhappy and therefore it's the fault of all people of color and a whole political party have been making sure that citizens of this country can't get help." This is... literally sick. Some how the blade is wielded such that the political party that are actually trying to increase social safety net are making it so that white people cannot get welfare??????

As this has gone on, the next argument is "I want people to be treated all the same."

Wait... what?

This is baffling to me. Do you want people to get treated all the same? Or do you want to not have immigrants/black folks get support? What is happening here?

What I realize is that this premise that people on "the right" are emotional and not being their arguments on facts seems more and more true. But really I'm so confused about it.

So all the same isn't that folks of color don't get support (though that's in there) is that they want to be treated "the same" as other folks. So women want to make "the same" as black folks. So.... less than they make now?

The idea is that they think black folks make more. I. Can't. Even.

It's hella racist and that's not ok.

And it also seems to run itself in circles and amp up the anger without being able to acknowledge any emotion. "I'm not mad." Was literally said amidst the arguments.

If you're not mad or hurt by what's happening to you, why are you continuing to tell the story? That is victim mentality. That is speaking from a wound.

The next level down for me is... so you're not in touch with those feelings? You're telling the story and being in victim, but not able to see that you're in pain? Or anger? You're not in touch with your rage at this situation?

I know that I'm really aware of my feelings. But I don't ... or maybe I assume that other people have some lvel of connection to feelings. That if I say, "You're mad that..." They can say, "Yes I'm mad" or "I'm not mad, I'm...." But none landed.

It feels very, very disconnected to me.

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OMG EBT

2018-04-27T08:59:51Z

I was listening to Laurel talk and she said, "Anger is important. Anger dissipates stress."

Holy crap.

I'm angry so much because of all of the stress in my life.

And all of my history of stress.

Anger is so useful!

OMG.

I have been hating on anger, but it's incredibly necessary to dissipate stress!

Thank you so much anger for helping me all this time even though I have been entirely ungrateful or your services and support!

Whoa.

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I require inspiration

2018-04-09T16:26:30Z

I require inspiration to live. To be my most joyful self.

I require a lot of rest and downtime and space.

I require good boundaries and the time to allow myself to say no.

I require space and the courage to allow myself to say yes.

Yes is at least as hard as no.

Yes is the language of the harlot

Yes is also the language of the magician and magic and transformation.

But yes takes time. Yes takes rest and the ability to find and touch into the deepest parts of myself.

My goodhood lives in yes.

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EBT, J and fat bodies

2018-04-09T16:19:14Z

Hi F,

One of my projects is loving my body and all bodies. As a fat woman my body and bodies like mine are reviled in the media. So I inoculate myself against that bs with beautiful images of fat folks. Today I've been looking at things like this: http://theadipositivityproject.zenfolio.com/prints/ef2899e5 The whole gallery is amazing. I've been fantasizing about having images like this in my new home with my beloved. Images of happy fat folks, happy people of color, beautiful happy creatures!

My sweetheart and i\I checked in last night. It was really good. He's enjoying the practice too. It was delightful to see him press 1 ! We talked about joy points and I shared one with him.
Thank you!
b

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Vision for Our Life - Jacques and Briana

2018-02-13T03:50:02Z

We share appreciations for 5 minutes every day. We live together we sometimes watch tv together. We could spent lots of time together. Jacques sees his friends and I see my friends and we still have time for each other. Morning sex! Monthly relationship check-in! Scheduling meeting!!! Love letters. Kisses. Touches. Living together. Connor happiness too. Adventures!

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Pleasure and anger

2018-01-16T20:49:10Z

Pleasure Project: Anger and Pleasure.

So as I've been diving into pleasure more and more and more, I've also been noticing my anger in a really deep way. I started on an anger practice a few months ago because I don't like getting angry and it felt antithetical to pleasure.

In my talk with Victoria Whitfield today she said, "Angergasm." And I suddenly got it. Anger and Pleasure are two sides of the same coin.

To be deeply authentic and relax into tolerating more and more pleasure I have to tolerate and dive deep into all the emotions that come up. "You can't selectively numb emotions. " Says Brené Brown

So if I'm taking a deep dive into pleasure and opening to sensation and to joy in bigger and bigger ways, I will feel more of everything else. I have done of a lot of feeling pain and terror and overwhelm - pleasure seems to be the antidote to a lot of that. But other things come up more sharply. And anger is tops on that list.

As a culture, we're also afraid of anger. So of course as I'm diving into opening up and dissolving my resistance to pleasure I'm also opening up places where there are other kinds of shame and resistance. Anger for me has often felt like weather (as Tia Marie Paquin says). It comes and passes through if I express it and moves on.

So instead of resisting anger, I'm going to run towards it. I'm going to do my best to embrace it and to tolerate feeling it and see what's actually deep down in there. I noticed after doing this for just a moment what I'm often really mad at is me. For not listening to myself and my instincts, for not having more clear boundaries or picking people who are not kind or not capable, etc.

So... anger. Yeah. When I write these I like to ask a question at the end because I don't want to just be shouting into the void. How is anger for you? What are you noticing/feeling?

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Best sweetheart

2018-01-16T08:15:53Z

Sometimes it's the happy things that are hard to share:
I woke up after a nap, sleeping on my beloved's bare chest. and said, "Oh gosh, I'm drooling on your chest."

He says, "I love it! Having you drool on my chest makes me feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose."

It made me all teary eyed. I feel so completely loved.

Such a sweet weekend!

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More on illness and support - from the CP13 thread

2017-09-07T06:50:30Z

This weekend at Bibleution so much happened. One of the things that happened is that in a conversation with the amazing bric... we talked about our chronic illness stuff. The question arose: Who would you be without your illness?

And that was huge for me. I don't know that I've looked at it in quite that way. I had 3 realizations about it - one is that in order to heal more I have to have waaaaaaaaay better boundaries than I've been recently. I nearly had a full on migraine this weekend for the first time in 5 years. 5 years!!!! So no, there's a lot I'm not going to do going forward. I'm not even sure what that looks like honestly. I'm just barely starting this journey.

The second, is that I need a lot more support than I've been getting. In a conversation with my beloved this morning I was feeling very, very vulnerable because I needed to ask him for yet more help. He's incredibly generous with me and... And I had the story that if I asked, he'd leave me. I immediately recognized it as a story about fear and about not feeling worthy and deserving of support. About how I long to be supported and loved and seen and yet desperately afraid. So I told him my story and he said the thing that is both true for him and what I needed to hear: "I love you! You are totally worth it!"

It changed the course of my day. And in truth, he's changed the course of my life and work with his love and support. I've never had this level of support in my life before. Literally ever. Not from my parents or other lovers or partners. It's felt like I needed to fight for every single bit of support I've ever gotten. Ever.

And I have - fought for it. My condition went undiagnosed for 14 years. I've fought for medical attention, for medicine, for health care, for work, for my son, my home, my health, the right to live my life my way. Literally everything. So there's no surprise that I spend a lot of time very, very angry - it has literally saved my life hundreds of times over to push for what I want, for the right be alive. To advocate and not give up, to be angry to use that to make sure I can live. I'm not yet willing to give it up - not yet. But as I get what I need a bit at at time, it softens. As I no longer have to fight for every single thing, I relax more and more.

The third thing is that I realized most of you have no idea that I'm chronically ill. That I spend a fair amount of time in pain and that's why I don't do a lot of things and why I sometimes turn away and go, or why I don't stick it out until the end, or sit in that big chair - I can't. I can't sit in a regular chair, after an hour I'm in incredible pain. I think people think that I'm just fat and that it's my own fault, when in fact my multiple conditions/diseases went undiagnosed for 14 years and so spiraled wildly out of control and it's only been the last 5 years that I've been getting them under control. That means I've been chronically ill for 19 years. Nearly all of my adult life.

I'm really, really tired of talking about it and explaining about it. I don't want it to be center stage. But in doing that I have made it so that I am not getting what I need, that I don't know how to get what I need. My disability is inconsistent - sometimes I can and sometimes I can't do any particular thing. It's very moment to moment. Often I'm quite happy. But often enough I need support or someone to listen to me. But I'm not weak and I don't want pity - I have had an incredibly hard time learning to receive and there are ways that I still have a hard time. Like everyone's coaching each other and I often just can't receive it. Receiving kindness for no reason has been suspect in my life - code for someone wanting something from me.

Anyway, I just want you to know me and to know that I'm not trying to keep myself away from you or to distance myself from you in my anger or frustration, but it's kept me alive for decades. I'm working on learning new ways of being.

Thank you for hearing me.

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Receiving support and love - what does it take?

2017-09-07T02:54:49Z

Pleasure project: This morning I've been really looking at how my health is. This weekend I had a powerful conversation where I was asked, "Who would you be without your illness?"

And I was struck by the fact that I've been struggling with chronic illness since my pregnancy 19 years ago. I've worked hard to be more and more well. Really fucking hard! This weekend I had the beginnings of a migraine for the first time in like 5 years.

It was a big wake up call. Both in that I've been not having migraines and in that - holy fuck I could get migraines again!

So the answer to the question is: I'd have to be a lot better with my boundaries. Like, a way lot.

And uh, that's hard shit.

This morning I had to tell some folks that I can't do a thing, or come to a thing, or say yes to a thing. And that I might need more support. And I said to Jacques that I was afraid that he'd leave me if I asked for yet more support. Which I immediately recognized as being code for: I don't feel worth the support I need to be well. Fortunately I managed to say that with my out loud voice.

It feels like so much. I'd have to admit that I'm still quite sick. I'd have to ask for more help, I'd have to say no a lot more and a lot more clearly. I'd have to tell people I'm sick. I'd have to sleep more, and take less meetings, and make my business more sustainable. It sounds fucking exhausting and super vulnerable. And damn it, it's the work!

And his response, which felt like it echoed throughout the multiverse is: I love you! You are totally worth it!

So now I'm sitting here crying. Weeping for the possibility that I am actually worth the love and support, good food, boundaries, rest, love, sleep, attention, sex, touch. connection, eye gazing, money, time resources and love. Crap.

And if I'm worth it, you're worth it - worth the love and pleasure and boundaries and whatever it takes to have your version of being well. It's such a vulnerable place. And I pray that you'll be in it with me.

So I want to say the thing to you that I needed to hear which is: I love you too! You are totally worth it!

comments

Breaking open anger with sex

2017-08-29T06:43:16Z

I've been working a lot with anger and sex this last few months. And this is one of the things that I've opened to. I was given a challenge to have a regular anger practice and so I did. And this weekend instead of my nearly monthly (PMS) nightmare night I had a rage dream - fear and terror. I woke in the middle of the night crying and my beloved held me. In the morning I got up early and wrote and wrote about it. Eventually I emptied out as much as I could but still felt brittle and rigid.

So I climbed back into bed as my beloved was waking and asked him to take me. I told him that I needed penetration. And he got between my legs and.. he has this incredible intuition. He knows exactly how to touch me, where, how much to open me completely to him. He's the only lover I've ever had who can make me squirt through penetratin and he did - over and over while he went deeper and deeper, opening me, soften my heart and my pussy. Because of his penetration I was able to open completely to divinity and take his sex and light into every part of me all the way out to my fingertips and through the top of my head.

Once we were complete, my whole body softened, the anger was gone, transformed into openness and so many tears. We spent most of the rest of the day in bed. First just us and then joined in snuggles with another, which allowed me to just stay in that soft, open, gentle place.

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Rxd "Marriage" Vows

2017-08-22T19:23:06Z

"Relationship by Design “Marriage” Vows!"

-I vow to stay connected no matter what
-I vow to use this relationship as a crucible for wake up
-I vow to do my best to draw out your best
-I vow to come back to the spot over and over again no matter what.

And with this ring - I symbolize the commitment to staying connected.

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Grief

2017-08-17T05:37:42Z

Since I've been home from my magical week in the woods I've been in a very slow place. Deep, not in the down exactly, but metabolizing my power, and open to what comes. Tonight, after 3.5 years, I finally read my mom's obituary. Even though we had a difficult relationship, I was the one of her daughters that did her eulogy at the funeral because I've always been the strong one. The one that stuffs it down so that we can cope. The one that says the thing that needs to be said.

I decided that I'd speak only truth. That she has good things about her, that we had a sometimes difficult relationship. That she was ill my whole life. That I loved her. I decided that it was important to honor myself in the telling. It was all that I could do to write it and speak it.

And the depth of my grief flowed out. Once out, I did not want to revisit it. After a few months of grieving, hard and harder and deep, I put it all away. I stopped watching sad things, I would just not open any piece of that because it felt so incredibly raw and... dangerous. I felt like if I touched it I would never stop grieving. But tonight I happened across my aunt (her sister's) obit because I was looking at family stuff and thinking about love and legacy and power. And so I decided to read it. I remember vaguely helping my sister write it.

I realized that I didn't want to read it because it would mean that it was over. Even though our relationship was hard. Even though we fought. Even though she was a drunk. Even though I was angry. She was gone and it was done. Forever. It's going to be 4 years this Thanksgiving that I had to pull the plug on my mom's life support and I finally feel done. The cycle is complete; I am free to be as sad or as joyful as I really, truly am.

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Tarot: the 5's

2017-07-20T01:47:15Z

The 5's are so dark feeling. But the 5's feel like they are darker than others. But what I found when I stepped in was a perspective shifts. Each of the meditations was quite different from what the cards show. There's more, more depth. A wider view.

It can be the step before it improves.

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Super healing skin salve

2017-06-13T05:23:58Z

So the recipe is...

*1 part beeswax (which for me was 1/2 cup)
*3 parts calendula essential oil (grapeseed oil base) (in this case 1.5 c)
*30-40 drops lavender essential oil (which is very strong)
***1/8 part St. John's Wort herbal oil (from Gathering Thyme)
***Arnica herbal oil (1/8c maybe - this one was also in the last recipe, but not in the notes for some reason and this time I made my own again in grapeseed oil)
SUBBed for 1/4 c straight grapeseed oil because bad planning.
*1.5 part avocado butter (1/2 c)
*10 drops Frankincense essential oil (YL)
*10 drop roman chamomile

That's what we did this time. It's a bit flexi sometimes because of what's on hand.

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Body love

2017-06-09T16:27:55Z

Body Love: Body stuff is hard. As one of my amazing friends said yesterday: "I cringe at the users who celebrate fat loss as though it's a moral imperative, but I also understand that the culture we swim in is toxic about body image. Every person who unconsciously associates their body changes to being a 'better' person, is buying into that toxicity, consciously or not."

Body love for me is being free of harm, free of judgement and free of other's looks, words and actions. It would make my life easier if I didn't have to pretend to be ok with what people say about my body or their body.

It would make food easier if I could really eat what I want without inter or external judgement.

Food is hard.
Body stuff is hard.

Just please stop being asshats about weight and conflating weight and health or weight and being a good person.

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Fear Inventory - the deets

2017-05-30T22:01:58Z

Here are some rails for writing fear inventory that will actually take you into your minds tricksy ways and help me understand my fears and how they are effecting me.

Technical Fouls:

1. Don't write on things that are "coming at you." Or what other people are doing. Focus on what you have agency over.

2. Get specific. Stop the high level of abstraction... "If that were true, then what." What's the evidence of that that thing you're afraid of?

3. Avoid looking at it laterally - move down the thread
4. Avoid changing topics
5. Avoid future or past
6. Avoid generalizing and
7. Look at not beating yourself up
8. Avoid coaching yourself.
Avoid I don't know or I can't.

Hints that you're about to be on the spot:
If you're going in a circle, in a drain, you're off the spot. The mind is insulating itself from the thing.

Or it will look at the same topic from the different angle.

Or you'll start coaching yourself.

That means that right before you did that you were getting somewhere.

Example: "I have fear that I am using chaos and slowness so that there was chaotic thing and then we can't do this thing.

"I have fear that I cannot do this alone."

Don't use anything that's more than about 3 days old
You can't touch a memory without altering it. Your memories are nothing like what happened. It's harder to get vigilant with things that are older than a few days.

Avoid jargon in your inventory.

Binaries
(a level 2 thing)
Fear Inventory is a really useful tool for bringing to light this thing that human minds do when there's something I don't want to wrestle with, deal with, as a means of insulating myself... I'll make a binary.

This situation is either absolutely this way or that way. Other things are impossible.

Corollary: if this, then that.

We are looking to make meaning. "If it's new then it's incorrect." "If it's this then it's wrong." Or right

Fear is useful to bring that out into the light. What's the seed of the thing? Why did you make that decision or judgement?

In Fear Inventory we can bring that to light. We can then decide if there are other possibilities. Yes or no is a good answer.

They might decide, "yeah I want to keep that one." You have the opportunity with the option of honoring that process. Trust that.

Set a timer.
If you always do 15-20 minutes, try an hour. Try an hour every day for awhile. Look at your energy accounting - how much time do you spend on your crazy

Not just when you're upset - write when well so that you can take a look

Must read it. Without back story or context. Hearing yourself say it changes what's goig on in the mind.

Don't replace it with other practices like desire or gratitude practice.

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