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[personal profile] dryadgrl
Ok so I'm taking my medication every day and I'm even managing to get in some of the ones that I am supposed to take between meals.

I'm sleeping a lot again. I think it's pretty easy to tip this upside down if I'm not careful. And by this I mean my life and energy are totally dependent on getting enough of the right food and getting enough rest and exercise. So I'm averaging about 12-15 hours a sleep a day again if I don't sleep at least 10 on my own consistently.

But here a more interesting thing: I have to deal with the emotions and restlessness that come up when I'm not eating.

What I mean is that I'm craving food less and really checking in before I eat anything. I've tried to do this for years with only marginal success. It's clear to me now that this problem is biological. I didn't have the signals necessary to tell me what to do and thus I could eat when I was starving or in upset with some consequences, but mostly I haven't know what the right thing to do is.

Now I stop when I'm not hungry and food is actually unappealing unless I'm hungry. So right now I'm bored and anxious because I have things to do that I haven't done, but I really don't want to do them. I feel like I need a day off and deserve a day to myself and so I'm in resistance to doing these chores (namely cleaning my room and doing the dishes). I've also told my son to empty the dishwasher and I don't want to empty it for him - again.

He's pretty good at chores if I tell him what to do and when to do it by and sometimes provide incentive if it's extraordinary (like laundry before laundry day or if i"m traveling and he's not). In the past I would just grab some chocolate, or a bite of something and the effect was that it would shove the emotion down for a time.

Sometimes I would just eat too much and then be exhausted (because I crashed my blood sugar) or too full to move. But it also seemed out of my control. I wouldn't realize that I was doing it until it was too late or done. And because of that I had a lot of shame about it.

But as it's changed/changing, I'm realizing that this is not about me - as in not something I can actually control with emotions or ideas or "will power." And it doesn't make me a bad person. Willpower is an idea that dieters talk about a lot an is pretty much entirely a myth as far as I can tell.

Most diests fail (over 90% is the statistic) and so all of the chatter around that is just crap. Additionally if you want to get something done you must have goals, feedback and support or most of those don't happen (though they are more likely to happen if you write them down). So again, in my head I know that will power is crap, but it's so ingrained into culture and my subconscious that it has been a whip that I use to beat myself with for a long time.

I knew about it not making me a bad person in theory. But it felt terrible (and I assume that it will happen again from time to time when I go off or forget meds and so on, I can hope it won't, but I've not suddenly become perfect). It feel physically terrible to eat too much and it feels worse when you realize that you're eating because you're unhappy or depressed and feels worse yet when you realize it halfway through and can't stop.

And by can't stop I mean I've watched myself from the outside and thought things like, "I'm not really hungry, I don't know why I'm doing this." Or "I don't really need this." Or thought nothing in the moment at all about the food just gave in to the upset and overwhelm and found myself eating food or sick later. About a year ago or so I had some thoughts that were, "If I do this I'll have the space I need to rest." And that lead to this stuff lessening.

It was at it's worst when I was badly depressed a few years ago, but only slowed as I have gotten better - until the last few weeks. Now my body's reacting to sugary foods when I touch them or when I look at them and I'm able to process that response and do something else. Today it's started (I don't know if it's true that this is the beginning) to help me realize how I am feeling when I'm not hungry or eating.

It's really uncomfortable to talk about this. Most of the time I've felt like I've done my best to eat well, learn about foods and focus on eating well. But I have been really unsuccessful in some ways.

Oddly knowing that it's not my fault, that it's the hypothyroidism and not something wrong with my humanity, has given me great strength to work at this problem and to keep focused on what I can do. I'm sure it's the drugs on that count too and the work I've done on coming out of depression and anxiety in other ways. One system effects all the other ones and i couldn't be doing this work if I hadn't done that work. These things build on each other.

Ok, food.

The other day I made bacon and leeks and onions in a stir fry and couldn't eat it. Yesterday, I had smoked salmon and couldn't finish it - I think that I probably can't really eat smoked things, at least for a while. I don't know why, but that's the connection my brain made and I'm finding that these intuitive connections are accurate. I never liked bell peppers and it turns out that I'm allergic to them for example. But I haven't been trusting my body about that sort of thing.

Also I seem to need to eat the way that I was eating while on the yeast-free diet. My body is craving meat and vegetables, lots of veggies. But cooked, not raw, with some exceptions (like cucumbers, I seem to be craving raw cucumbers a lot lately).
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