dryadgrl: (Default)
I have been struggling with a set of interactions with someone who is off again on again creepy. I've had problems with him, he hits on every woman he meets and it makes a lot of women really uncomfortable. I have been sexual with him and the first time it was nearly rape - I did not consent and I was so stunned as it was happening that I did not know what to do. When it was over I didn't talk to him for years.

In January I started spending time in the friend group with mutual friends and we ended up being sexual again which was more consenting. But it was always at his whim, on his timing, often last minute and usually late at night. I didn't feel very good about it so I stopped reaching out. Part of why I stopped is because it's all always about him. Always. He breaks dates, he only responds when it suits him and often not for long periods of time even though we'd see each other socially nearly every week. He often said he's make it up to me. The last time I saw him we'd had a date to talk after the social function (primarily so that I could say the things I needed to say to him about feeling under valued).

He skipped it and didn't bother to tell me. I was pretty pissed. Like I said it wasn't the first time. I had already told him both that we needed to talk and that I was unhappy about how things were.

I have spoken up about it before and people have said things like, "Well he's not a bad guy." and "He means well." I think that's crap, but it took me a while to get there.

In fact I had to read this before I really put it into context. That description with the steps is what happens.

But the last time I saw him when he bailed on me to take someone else home was a month ago. I emailed him to express my frustration and he responded by phone 3 weeks later. I didn't take the call and I didn't listen to the message. I went out of town a few hours after that and decided to deal with it when I came back.

When I came back, I sent him an email letting him know I saw his call and that I was not available to be in touch with him just now. He responded with a request to clear with me. I said I wasn't available. He insisted. I said that I was allowed to say that I couldn't hear him right now and asked him to stop insisting and that what he was doing was bullying.

He (now in retrospect I say 'of course') escalated and said he's not bullying and that I should schedule that bullying was irrelevant, he was making a request. That was 4 emails from him in 2 days. Each one escalating in tone.

At that stage I asked others for intervention. Because in my opinion that last email was not a request and he was clearly not taking 'no' for an answer. And I was pissed. Given that he has pushed me sexually and has pushed at least several other women I know, I felt really strongly that someone needs to stand up to him and say no and get that message across. He cannot be allowed to walk on everyone's boundaries.

So I found support and emailed some venting and asked her to ask him to stop. She also asked me if I could set a date to clear with him, but would take no for an answer. It felt really bad that she was asking that and so I said no.

After the third round of email with him I was considering scheduling until her just kept pushing even though I didn't respond. And that pushed me over the edge. Honestly I was too angry to say it, but I really was trying to do the right thing and thought in a week or two I'd be willing to clear with him. But the more he pushed the less I wanted to be in contact with him. And because he pushes and gets what he wants all the time, it was clear to me he wasn't going to stop.

And at some point the buck has got to stop somewhere. I'm pretty sure he's raped women or at least has non-consentual sex with some frequency. And I don't think he gets it. Actually I'm pretty sure he doesn't get it. I have watched him dismiss women who won't open their legs to him or don't want to be exposed to his crap as not sex positive or not really x,y,z and often he says that they are just really dramatic and should get over themselves.

He hits on every single woman that comes into the social circle and doesn't read the social cues about unwanted attention. And that's just not ok. People often do very careful things to not have him around at parties and events.

Anyway, I'm angry and I'm sure that this will work out somehow. Even if somehow is finding a new group of folks to hang out with. There are lots of people in the world.
dryadgrl: (Default)
I often don't write here about the really good things that are happening. I've been focusing really hard on getting well and writing about things like the moods swings as they happen. It seems to give people the impression that my life is terribly difficult which isn't true.

On the contrary, aside from the medical stuff, my life is pretty great. My son is happy, healthy and smart and progressing in his life. I'm doing interesting and fun things. I have an absolutely amazing boyfriend who's love has changed my life. There's something about the way he is with me that I can really let in his love and love myself more fully. (He also doesn't take crap from me which is also hot.)

On Friday we were talking and I had gotten into a bit of a mood and was about to be self-pitying. I said, "I'm..." and he jumped in with, "perfect." It made my day. In fact it's made the last few days.

I write here because writing releases something inside me, not because it creates a full picture of my life.

The last few days have been delightful. The thyroid meds seem to be working. I upped the mood support stuff and so I'm feeling pretty joyful and productive even. Not perfect. But I found a Starbuck's close to home where I can go and focus. I've been indulging in self care and working on finding and organizing work. I've been spending time with my amazing son and prepping for upcoming fun.

Last night I went to a party, which is pretty rare. When I go to parties I enjoy them, and I got to see a number of people I haven't seen in a long time which was delightful Parties can be a way to see lots of people at once and that's good for me as my time is pretty limited given all that I'm trying to do right now.

But my life is pretty good. A lot of life is really my attitude and when my brain is broken and I'm not getting the right nutrients, I'm really moody. When I am it's fantastic and I am happy and grateful for no reason which feeds an upward spiral.
dryadgrl: (Default)
So I started eating what I wanted this afternoon and it seems fine. I haven't taken supplements yet (but will with dinner) and didn't have any major issues this morning aside from the dream and lethargy. The dreams being different, I'm told, is a sign that I'm detoxing and I'll take it, even if it's sad and painful.

Being able to be less reactive to iron so that my body will actually absorb it should give me a lot more energy in the long run. I'll be confirming test results on Thursday and re-treating if I didn't clear it entirely. Sometimes I clear a piece but not all of it which I don't quite understand, but it is true that once I've cleared something for reals, it stays clear most (greater than 95% of the time).

Oddly, I'm not crashed out, the blood sugar meds are holding (at least temporarily) and although today has been a bit challenging, all is essentially well. My mood is still stable even though I haven't taken meds in 24 hours. I'm still up for tonight's birthday party.

(We're dog sitting in Palo Alto and the puppy is sad so Kiddo is sad and that makes my day a little bit harder. Also a large parcel of my friends are at a workshop and I have a work deadline that I've been avoiding. Plus the mom-dream stuff and the boyfriend breaking stuff and it's a lot. The BF is ok by the way, but he's really, really sad. And there's nothing I can do about it.)
dryadgrl: (Default)
I avoided taking a call from the boyfriend yesterday. Shortly after that I realized it was because I am holding on to something. Specifically something that I think might hurt him or might cause me to want to end the relationship if we can't solve it.

I don't know how much is about him and how much is about me. What I have realized is that when I'm stressed out I need to cancel things and go away from people which is why it's critical that I NOT over-schedule. Pretty much ever. And that I still don't know how to do that while living a fulfilling life.

This week has been super intense. I had to go to court and that was not resolved because of a procedural issue, a memorial for a friend (which helped me feel better, but still intense), 1099 deadline and so on. It doesn't even matter what. There is always something going on. And it seems that every few months there's a convergence of things and I need to cancel and re-arrange.

That's up from not being able to ever really keep time commitments in 2005 and up from regular weekly cancellations because of illness/overwhelm convergences. But it's still more than feels like a even keel and that I feel like I can really plan for.

It used to be that when I was upset I would just go away. For years I didn't believe that things were resolvable with people and that was because I wasn't available to hear them and wasn't available to add emotionality of a situation in addition to the logistical things.

It's been a long time now since that was the practice in my life. Mostly things seem like they might be resolvable. And mostly I am available to do that resolving. But boyfriend is suffering from depression himself and I'm loathe to add anything to that.

I guess I have a new question: what do you do when an issue has come up multiple times and it feels like it's edging towards entrenched?

Maybe I haven't been clear about what I need. (That's probably true given that I'm not sure I always know what I need.) I am afraid to say what I need to say. I don't want to hurt him. And I don't really want to go away. But I need something to shift.

Interestingly, when he called this morning, his sweetness totally melted my heart and brought me more into my body. I just want that so much. And when it feels missing, I feel disconnected. In writing this I realized there is something really clear that I can ask for. He said he would do something that he didn't and it really hurt my feelings. I haven't really said anything about it because of the depression (and that "I don't want to hurt you" thing.) But if I don't clear it these emotions will get bigger - I know this kind of stuff turns into resentment for me. I don't want to go there. I don't want to resent him.

So by protecting him, I'm actually doing us both a disservice. Great.

Well at least now I know what I need to do.

This is why I need writing. I'm so glad I'm becoming available for this again.
dryadgrl: (Default)
Cleaned out a whole shelf under the sink. I think that at some point in the past people used to put contact paper on shelves - is that still done? Under my bathroom sink there's a shelf that has been damaged and is a little warped. I like to cover it without doing any additional damage - is that a good idea? And where would one get such a thing?

Also did 2 loads of laundry. Usually we wait until there's like 4 or so, but I want to keep on top of it.

Washed the altar cloth, but it still needs to dry.

Moved the shoe bin/sideboard across the room and took down the hanging things so that could happen. I decided that I want to clean out my bedroom closet to make more room for clothes and the suitcases so that the laundry can be out of the living room space and in my bedroom. That's a project.

This weekend I'm intending on renting a storage unit so that I can get some of this shit out of my house and then evaluate if I really want it or not.

So still doing cleaning and now starting to do real planning because I have real energy to get shit done.

And thus continues the Great Purge of 2010.
dryadgrl: (Default)
Today I ...
cleaned out the bottom half of the fridge including throwing all old food out, washing the drawers, shelves and surfaces.

I got a new paid subscription to LJ so that I could make my journal friends only.

I made chicken, rice and bean soup with greens and put some of it into the freezer (all organic, but that's usual, months ago I stopped buying meat and groceries in general that are not organic. Kiddo and I are worth it. It was a process of starting with one thing and doing more and more as I felt financially available for it.)

I ordered the 303 protectant for my car.

I just set up another piece of my new Mac.

All the dishes are done, the dishwasher is cleaned out and started to fill again.

I cleaned out some of the freezer - getting rid of old frozen food (mostly stuff that I made that is more than a year old).

I cleaned off my prosperity altar and the altar cloth is in the wash right now.

I started on my bedroom closet doing just the ritual stuff and started building an altar to love in all it's many forms - family, romantic, community, etc.

More trash out. More stuff upstairs, more recycling.

Tired now. Going to Apple store for one-to-one time this afternoon. More to learn and grow.
dryadgrl: (love)
Things to remember:

1. You don't like being sick. Do your best to be well. Beg off when you feel it coming. It's worth it to not get this way to begin with.
2. Don't make plans when sick, you will cancel. And since you rarely make plans these days, it makes you feel doubly bad to cancel since you've been feeling scarce there anyway. Give yourself a break.
3. Being sick is a mild form of depression, they don't all hate you, I promise. Probably they don't even mostly hate you. (That's a joke. You'll recognize those again when you're well.)
4. That feeling in your throat is not going to be there forever. I promise. (That is not a joke.)
5. You don't have to clean the house while sick. Give yourself a break.
6. You can order pizza or sushi or take out while sick. Yes, even though you haven't done that in years. Or at least a year. Sick gets special privileges and doesn't have to work so damn hard. Give yourself a break.
7. Don't talk to exes, or other people that might trigger you (like parents) - emotionally or otherwise. See #3. It's not mean, it's good self-care. Give yourself a break.

To sum up: You're sick; Give yourself a break.

Also, you're doing pretty great at the throwing things out bit and being conscious and making connections so as to not to That again (for some value of That).

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dryadgrl

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