I haven't been doing my money practices and having space this weekend I'm getting back to them and that feels good. My friends are inspired by my work and I am inspired by them. But my inspiration isn't quite moving me to action. It's moving me to self care, but I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of my work.
I have taken on a lot recently in some ways both in terms of my work and my healing and self care. I started seeing western docs and they want me to do various things. I am having a cervical biopsy on Tuesday. I haven't been talking about it because I don't know what to do and there's not much info yet. But it is a result of stepping into my commitment to be completely well.
I have to have a root canal and potentially 2 crowns (but at least one). All told the dental stuff is about $3k. Most of it is just ... I have no idea where that would come from. So I have to take steps based on faith in many ways. And that's hard.
I am starting to recognize that taking steps based on faith is not just hard for me, it is a major challenge in having faith or feeling connected to divinity for all the people I have ever to talked about faith. So I finally feel like I'm in good company. I feel some relief in not being entirely alone.
In the space that I've been having because of the holidays, I am really seeing how space serves me and I'm excitedly anticipating more retreat time after the winter holiday. I really got today that my financial practice is part of my spiritual practice. That money is part of life, not separate from it. My relationship with money is sacred, as is my relationship with the earth. And the more I am in respect and reverence, the more I am with myself and my feelings, the more I can open to surrendering to the moment and to divinity. Being in this moment and only in this moment is ecstasy.
I teach about money because it's been a long and painful path and I've learned a lot; I teach about money because it's been an ecstatic path that has lead to me recognize that embracing the fullness of money is embracing the fullness of life. Any place that I feel separate is a place to look for healing. Not to force or change or shame, but to bring to awareness so that in the holding of that place, it opens and relaxes and shows me the lesson and the paths to integration and fullness.
It's when I push parts of myself away or shun them that I feel brittle, as though I might break. When I open to awareness I have increased capacity for surrender and being present. Being present leads me to feeling loved and from that place so many things completely fall away.