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A couple of years ago (could it really be that long ago? Oh my, it was 2010.) I was working on a book of the images from a class called MythCrafting. In the class we worked with finding and crafting the mythic story of our lives through images, drawings, stories, movement and song.

Because it's me I did something that no one else did: I used the images to create an oversized "book" on small poster board sized paper of all the images in the class. One of them I drew, many were cards or pictures from magazines and things the teachers brought to class. We chose them mostly from trance states so they aren't always linear.

Yesterday as I was prepping for my first meeting at volunteer coordinator, one of the pages fell out of its storage space between the printer stand and the filling cabinets and I left is sitting on the floor as I ran off to my meeting.

This particular page has always bothered me and not quite fit into the rest of the book. It's a pages called gifts and it has 4 images on it. One is the sphinx, one is an image of a saint from a old painting cut in half (that makes up 2 images) and the last one is a copy of the Fairies Oracle Card "The Soul Shrinker" - number 55 in the deck. It's supposed to be a page about gifts. But when I picked the images out of the pile with everyone else I couldn't see the gifts.

The sphinx is tattered, it's nose worn from centuries in the elements, it's foot partially missing. The painting is tattered and torn and missing bits.

But the worst was the Soul Shrinker. It's a card I know pretty well. His story is that the more humans say things about each other, it changes him - for good or ill. He once was beautiful, but now is quite hideous because of humans propensity to say mean things about each other. It's a card that speaks of watching for gossip either in yourself or around you. I couldn't figure out how that could be a gift.

Yesterday I sat in a meeting where I felt more and more joyful as the day wore on. I had arranged for people to have lots of love and appreciation as well as talking about what's working in volunteering for HAI. Most of the day was spent loving people up and appreciating them and eating lovely food. I thought I wanted to run the meeting. Usually I prefer to run meetings.

But in the morning agenda review, I realized that there were pieces that I wanted others to do. That their talents were best suited to this or that piece. As we went through, more and more felt like it was ok that the ED and another Facilitator did most of the running. Once the meeting started and it was clear to me that my tactic of appreciations was working and people were happy with being there and willing to be honest with each other, I was able and willing to step back pretty completely and let it happen. Not just let it happen, but let other folks take charge and run with it. My experience of working with groups a few years ago, when I was so sick is that I wanted to be in charge because everyone else would do it wrong.

I've been working on that for a long time - or at least that's how it feels. Working on ideas of trust and building relationships in this community and building trust and faith inside myself that each of us has a piece of the puzzle. And it's worked. I think these are things that can really only been seen to change over a long period of time and I have a long enough history in organizing that I can see it in myself.

My favorite appreciation from yesterday was when RF came up to me and said that the thing I'm good at is seeing where there's something missing or something needed and that I am a person who brings those missing or needed pieces into being. That I don't do what many do and complain, I make things happen. I felt very seen in that moment. That is how I want me life to be; it does seem to be happening.

It also occurred to me that mostly I do say good things about other people. That I love so many people that I am actually contributing to adding love to the world. People feel loved and appreciated by me. I am achieving my goal of being love in the world.

So when I saw the Soul Shrinker the morning, I was not afraid or sad. I could see the gift in me that I've learned over time to watch my words. I'm not perfect and I still say mean or angry things sometimes - I think that's part of being human. But people in my life feel loved by me and I'm bringing more love into the world in clear and manifested ways. That's who I want to be being. And yesterday, I was that for all to see.
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I often don't write here about the really good things that are happening. I've been focusing really hard on getting well and writing about things like the moods swings as they happen. It seems to give people the impression that my life is terribly difficult which isn't true.

On the contrary, aside from the medical stuff, my life is pretty great. My son is happy, healthy and smart and progressing in his life. I'm doing interesting and fun things. I have an absolutely amazing boyfriend who's love has changed my life. There's something about the way he is with me that I can really let in his love and love myself more fully. (He also doesn't take crap from me which is also hot.)

On Friday we were talking and I had gotten into a bit of a mood and was about to be self-pitying. I said, "I'm..." and he jumped in with, "perfect." It made my day. In fact it's made the last few days.

I write here because writing releases something inside me, not because it creates a full picture of my life.

The last few days have been delightful. The thyroid meds seem to be working. I upped the mood support stuff and so I'm feeling pretty joyful and productive even. Not perfect. But I found a Starbuck's close to home where I can go and focus. I've been indulging in self care and working on finding and organizing work. I've been spending time with my amazing son and prepping for upcoming fun.

Last night I went to a party, which is pretty rare. When I go to parties I enjoy them, and I got to see a number of people I haven't seen in a long time which was delightful Parties can be a way to see lots of people at once and that's good for me as my time is pretty limited given all that I'm trying to do right now.

But my life is pretty good. A lot of life is really my attitude and when my brain is broken and I'm not getting the right nutrients, I'm really moody. When I am it's fantastic and I am happy and grateful for no reason which feeds an upward spiral.
dryadgrl: (Default)
Two recent FB posts start to sum up some of the recent changes:
My hunger used to only have two settings: not hungry and starving. With the recent shifts in medication I now have settings like "a little bit hungry," "a little bit full," and this weird brand new setting called "I think I'm going to be hungry in about half an hour." Until this week I thought when people said that they were making it up! Wow!

and

My brain just did a funny thing. I was standing in front of cake that Tia's dad made and just behind it is the fruit bowl. My belly said, "... mmmm.... apple pear...." a la Homer Simpson. Then my brain said, "Wait. What!?" But it was too late, I had already crunched into the apple-pear. Too bad cake, you lose this round!

Additionally I touched the cake and thought maybe I'd have a bite as well, but my stomach got a bit sick and I knew that the cake would make me feel bad. Just like that.

It seems like my sensitivity is returning and coming to the surface in useful ways.
My body is signaling me in useful and surprising ways.

I keep thinking that other people might have this experience regularly and wonder just how far off my body has been.

I also managed to go home from an event last night before the end of it. Just say my goodbyes and leave because I was tired and not influenced by other people, even amazing other people. It's like I'm actually home in my body for the first time.

I took Kiddo to park day yesterday and he had a great time and finally connected into the teen group and got a couple of phone numbers. It occurs to me this morning that maybe his development was contingent upon mine. Now that I'm growing and changing rapidly again, so can he. And he can do so without worrying about me because I'm all set.

This morning I was also digging my single life. I mean I have a great boyfriend, but he's far away and i have a couple of other connections, but no one else is living here and I'm not beholden to or dependent on anyone else. I can sleep sprawled out in bed and take up all the space. I don't have to listen to anyone else snore and can go to bed and get up when I want! It's pretty great actually.

And earlier this week I got in touch with some loneliness as well which was kind of awesome. I've not really felt lonely in a long time. I've been crying pretty much every day. Not big sobbing crying, just little bits here and there as things touch me.

I'll end with one last FB update from earlier this week:
Yesterday on my way to Marin I found myself singing love songs to myself and soaking up the love. Today I really enjoyed making a kale omlette with leeks and onions and garlic inspired by Ian Waisler. I feel happy, content even. Something has definitely changed!
dryadgrl: (Default)
Often when things are bad, I write, but when things get better, it feels like there's nothing to say. Upon reflection that's probably because these days most days are pretty ok most of the time.

My computer is fixed thanks to apple care, they replaced the hard drive, then the power adapter, then the battery and last the optical drive. About $700 in repairs all covered under warranty. Hopefully that means I won't have to think about any of this for at least another 2 years.

There was a sudden rush of cash into my bank account that really helped deal with a few other things including the grounding to take the car into be looked at. And (thankfully) all the repairs are covered under insurance, as is the rental car for the 2(ish) weeks that the will have the car. So that feels pretty good too.

I had an amazing full moon ritual this week that really helped me reflect on love, worthiness and my muppet allies. Howling at the moon is apparently good for my soul.

People are still dying all around my community, but the season of death ends in a couple of weeks and I'll be glad when we move more directly into the light.
dryadgrl: (Default)
The last couple of weeks have been effing tough. Between people dying, my computer dying, going to court and being insanely sick, I'm not amused.

Sometimes it just happens like that - all the things happen at once.

So I need to reflect on some good things.

The computer hard drive was under warranty. So the replacement was free.

After telling my story to a friend that manages one of my favorite self-care habits, I found a extra-amazing product surprise in my bag when I go home.

I convinced the cult of Apple to give me the old hard drive and I'm trying to figure out who to talk to about seeing about retrieving data. But I have the hard drive! And I can work on my computer while I figure this out. Yay for multi-tasking!

I don't have to be anywhere this week, so I can stay home and actually be sick if that's what I need to do.

Kiddo found a new way to connect with his friends and the outside world. So I'm feeling better about that. He's also actually doing school work without me poking him quite so hard.

He also is about to have a friend come stay for 12 days. So he will be otherwise occupied most of the time and I can go off and take care of me, work on projects for and hangout with cool folks without guilt cuz the kid will be otherwise occupied. And they both have school work and so will cross-motivate! Yay!

Through the death process I've been getting closer people through shared experiences, grief and vulnerability. That's a sweet thing.

Ok, tired now.

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